Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dear my little guy,

I think about you all the time. My mind is hardly anywhere else. I just want us to be together. I miss you really bad right now. I always miss you but some moments are more intense than others. I love you so much big guy! I seriously can not wait for the day I see you again. Its all I think about! I just love you so much! I know you are probably sleeping right now so I am sorry if I always wake you up with my loud middle of the night thoughts. But this time is when its quiet and when I have time to just day dream about you! I wish I would have held you more! I miss it so much! Looking back I would have held you as much as the nurses would have let me! No matter how bad it depressed me that you were always asleep or living off the machine! I miss it! I miss when I held you and you would drench my arm in sweat because I could only hold you in one position. I miss your smell. In fact, after this, I am going to go upstairs and FIND your smell! I will find it! I miss you so much! Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I cant live without you. Its too hard sometimes. You were my reason for living! Right now, I am not doing much of anything. Sometimes I miss you so bad I cant even move in the morning. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day so I can see you in my dreams! I miss your smell, I miss the way you wiggled around and kicked your feet. You were such a skinny little guy! I miss ya so much baby boy! I know you are still here with me but sometimes I forget or dont feel you as much! I just want you back. Where I can see you cause I can hardly bare it sometimes. Sometimes I am okay with you not being here. After all it can really be a horrible place. But sometimes I get angry because I wanted you to experience things here! I wanted to show you things and teach you things like mommys are supposed to! I am so sorry. Sometimes I think God took you because of me and daddy fighting :( I think about that all the time. Did he save you from us? Did he take you because he didnt want you to have a mommy and daddy that fought all the time? Why? I promise we wouldnt fight in front of you! I know we broke that promise but we didnt think you could hear us because you were sleeping. I am so sorry baby boy. I feel like its all my fault sometimes. I cant think of why else God would take you besides your perfection. It was too good for this world and thats the only thing I am okay with. Gosh I just miss ya big man! I cant even begin to explain how much I love you. More than anything and I would really, truly do anything for you to be here right now. I know you are here but I just wish you were here in your body so I could see you and hold you and touch you and teach you and play with you and just be with you. Sometimes I dont know how I will make it the next hour without you. Uhh buddy what am I gonna do! I love you so much. I am sorry for waking you up. I am going to go take a bath now. I hope youre with me! I love you sweetie! Miss you more than ever!
                  Love, momma <3

^ My teacher brought this Isabelle Bloom sculpture over today. I LOVE it. It is exactly true and just a great way to express the love for my beautiful, perfect son. It is on my dresser right now. My class mates and teachers also got me two very thoughtful cards. Thank you guys! I was asleep when they brought it over. My morning started off not so good. Could not get out of bed for nothing, and then I finally arose to this and it made my day all the more better! Thanks again you guys! <3

1 comment:

  1. I LOVE reading your posts! I wish i could have met the little guy.. he sure was handsome!