Oh the changes I have had to make, the things I have had to adapt to.
I didn't ask for this.
I never knew I could handle any of this and I barely did.
Before my own child died, I knew of a few people that had lost their children. When I looked at them, all I could help but think to myself is,
"How are they smiling?"
"Their child is dead, how are they even living right now?"
"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle that!"
"If my child died, I would just simply die too."
These are the things that people now say to me and must think amongst themselves too.
"Omg that is SO sad."
"Oh I just couldn't do it!"
"You are SO strong! I could NEVER do that!"
As if I chose this.
The truth is, life does go on. Maybe not the life we imagined, our worst nightmare even, but some how we become stronger every day.
Before, even the thought of any of my family members dying, was quickly swept away by, "oh I'd just die too."
End of story.
When I first learned that my son was going to die, I had a plan. I would easily dive head first off the hospital balcony and hope I'd die too.
The day came, and I was surrounded by so much love and so many family members. My body went into a shock from that moment on and for the next few months even. This is what saved my own life. My body knew exactly what to do, and released some type of chemicals in my brain, so I did not feel the full on effect of the HORRIBLE, UNNATURAL, THEFT of my brand new BABY! Who I just held for 4 amazing months in my arms, and who I carried and protected for 41.6 weeks of pregnancy! The bond my son and I had created before he even took his first breath of air, something I can't explain.
I miss him so much. Nothing has ever felt so right for me. Nothing has ever felt as natural and as perfect as being Max's mom. It has been 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 4 days since I held my precious baby boy. I NEVER thought I'd be here right now. I thought surely I'd be gone by now too. Some how, I kept pushing forward, and I've become stronger without even realizing it half of the time.
The first year after losing my whole world, I would have these painful attacks nearly every night. I would lye in bed and I could feel it coming on. My thoughts, my brain, reminding me that my son is GONE and that I am ALONE in my bed, forcing me to look over at his empty crib. I was so excited for that crib! I put so much time into his nursery theme and spent a fortune on his beautiful organic, safari bedding. I thought that was the hardest decision I'd had to make yet!
These attacks caused my stomach to turn, I would curl over on my side in physical pain. I would sob as silently as I could, but sometimes my body just had to let out these painful, howling screams. My worst nightmare, a reality. Still so new to this. Still trying to find a new normal in a world where everything I have been preparing for and hoping for the last year is gone! Where this beautiful little person who I fell in love with, was just TAKEN from me!
Some nights, I felt the beginning signs of a huge crying spell coming on, and I would have to ignore it. I would have to change my thoughts and try to focus on something else or just go to sleep. My PTSD also made my envision horrible, random things. Absolutely nothing related to my son's death, just everything painful that I may have ever heard or seen in my life, I would have flashes of at night. to the point where I drove myself insane! I constantly day dreamed of my own death and when I would see my baby again. If God would forgive me for killing myself. I wrote dozens of suicide notes and in my journal I left a guide on what I wanted done with mine and my son's things, and where I wanted to go.
The sounds of my horrific, late night howling, still haunts me. I remember that pain, so raw and real.
It has been over a year, and these painful, sleepless nights have lessened. My PTSD has decreased significantly.
I am getting stronger.
but I am still SO HURT, BROKEN, and trying to learn how to live my life.
Over the last year I have found many little things to occupy my time. I have also some how, learned how to look at the positive side of almost everything!
I have felt real, raw, helpless, agonizing, and physical pain from this. I know now, that little things, are as they are, little things! I know now, that it could be so much worse.
Some how, I have learned to think of my son and smile. vs. hating the world because he can't be here.
Some how, I have learned to look at an innocent child's face, and see my son's precious soul. vs. being jealous of them, and asking why they get to be here and not my son.
Some how, I have learned how to tolerate selfish people, oblivious people and completely rude and obnoxious people and reactions. I have realized not everyone has suffered such a huge loss and it's irrational of me to set expectations for anyone.
Some how, I have learned to love and see the world, as if my son is apart of everything beautiful and good!
and some how, I still have days where I completely forget about all of this and absolutely hate the world and want NOTHING but my precious baby boy back. but these days are coming of less and less, but I am absolutely STILL authorized to them, whenever the hell they decide to come on!
All in all, I feel like I am able to love so strong and so passionately now, because of the fight my son fought here. In everything that I do!
I have all this love for him. When you held him, you knew he was special. You couldn't help but love and appreciate everything else too.
I just want to give some hope, to anyone that may be suffering the most devastating loss, it does get better.
Not because it hurts any less, but because we become stronger! Push through, find something good to do for yourself and others, and you can fight through your pain! You can find some happiness again! We can remember our children and SMILE! We are still entitled to and WILL have our "bad" days!
We will never be "fixed" "cured" " just fine" or "back to normal again"! Not ever! but the days where we feel like there is no possibly way we can survive this, will lessen!
Another thing I would just like to share, is that I have been on this road 100% clean and sober.
I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and was diagnosed with clinical depression at 12 years old.
I almost had a drink the first month after we lost Max. I was still numb and felt like I wanted to drink, and was totally fine with it. I didn't end up drinking at all, thank God, and quickly realized that I was not in the right mind and that I would NEVER be okay with using any kind of substance again. It has been a struggle and still is, working through this completely feeling 100% of everything. I have also been on an anti-depressant in the past, which I stopped taking a few months before I got pregnant. (not related to max's congenital anomalies) I went to psych therapy and spoke with pastors and counselors who suggested a medication to ease my pain, but I decided against such and knew that I needed to feel these things to move forward. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you need it, but it was an accomplishment for myself, to get through this without the assistance of anything but what I created for myself, which was healthy activities that give me focus!
To my baby, You are everything that I could have ever wanted. Momma is SO incredibly proud of you! When I think of you, I think of strength, sweetness, beauty, cuteness, silliness, happiness, pure joy and hope! You gave me a lifetime of happiness and love, in the time of a full term pregnancy and just 4 months in my arms. I could have not imagined a more beautiful baby, with such an amazing little personality. If mommy could just hold you once more, I'd give anything. but momma will hold you again one day. Thank you for fighting to be with mommy for such a while on this Earth! You were always so happy and smiling! Thank you for being so strong for momma! You have taught me so much my precious little man! Mommy loves you so incredibly much! Forever and ever, my baby you'll be <3
Love, momma
P.S. I can not express to you all how much your comments and emails have helped me through the past year. Please know that your words encourage me so much and I love receiving them! Please do not be afraid to comment here or email me with anything! xoxoxoxoxo
I didn't ask for this.
I never knew I could handle any of this and I barely did.
Before my own child died, I knew of a few people that had lost their children. When I looked at them, all I could help but think to myself is,
"How are they smiling?"
"Their child is dead, how are they even living right now?"
"I just couldn't do it. I couldn't handle that!"
"If my child died, I would just simply die too."
These are the things that people now say to me and must think amongst themselves too.
"Omg that is SO sad."
"Oh I just couldn't do it!"
"You are SO strong! I could NEVER do that!"
As if I chose this.
The truth is, life does go on. Maybe not the life we imagined, our worst nightmare even, but some how we become stronger every day.
Before, even the thought of any of my family members dying, was quickly swept away by, "oh I'd just die too."
End of story.
When I first learned that my son was going to die, I had a plan. I would easily dive head first off the hospital balcony and hope I'd die too.
The day came, and I was surrounded by so much love and so many family members. My body went into a shock from that moment on and for the next few months even. This is what saved my own life. My body knew exactly what to do, and released some type of chemicals in my brain, so I did not feel the full on effect of the HORRIBLE, UNNATURAL, THEFT of my brand new BABY! Who I just held for 4 amazing months in my arms, and who I carried and protected for 41.6 weeks of pregnancy! The bond my son and I had created before he even took his first breath of air, something I can't explain.
I miss him so much. Nothing has ever felt so right for me. Nothing has ever felt as natural and as perfect as being Max's mom. It has been 1 year, 4 months, 2 weeks and 4 days since I held my precious baby boy. I NEVER thought I'd be here right now. I thought surely I'd be gone by now too. Some how, I kept pushing forward, and I've become stronger without even realizing it half of the time.
The first year after losing my whole world, I would have these painful attacks nearly every night. I would lye in bed and I could feel it coming on. My thoughts, my brain, reminding me that my son is GONE and that I am ALONE in my bed, forcing me to look over at his empty crib. I was so excited for that crib! I put so much time into his nursery theme and spent a fortune on his beautiful organic, safari bedding. I thought that was the hardest decision I'd had to make yet!
These attacks caused my stomach to turn, I would curl over on my side in physical pain. I would sob as silently as I could, but sometimes my body just had to let out these painful, howling screams. My worst nightmare, a reality. Still so new to this. Still trying to find a new normal in a world where everything I have been preparing for and hoping for the last year is gone! Where this beautiful little person who I fell in love with, was just TAKEN from me!
Some nights, I felt the beginning signs of a huge crying spell coming on, and I would have to ignore it. I would have to change my thoughts and try to focus on something else or just go to sleep. My PTSD also made my envision horrible, random things. Absolutely nothing related to my son's death, just everything painful that I may have ever heard or seen in my life, I would have flashes of at night. to the point where I drove myself insane! I constantly day dreamed of my own death and when I would see my baby again. If God would forgive me for killing myself. I wrote dozens of suicide notes and in my journal I left a guide on what I wanted done with mine and my son's things, and where I wanted to go.
The sounds of my horrific, late night howling, still haunts me. I remember that pain, so raw and real.
It has been over a year, and these painful, sleepless nights have lessened. My PTSD has decreased significantly.
I am getting stronger.
but I am still SO HURT, BROKEN, and trying to learn how to live my life.
Over the last year I have found many little things to occupy my time. I have also some how, learned how to look at the positive side of almost everything!
I have felt real, raw, helpless, agonizing, and physical pain from this. I know now, that little things, are as they are, little things! I know now, that it could be so much worse.
Some how, I have learned to think of my son and smile. vs. hating the world because he can't be here.
Some how, I have learned to look at an innocent child's face, and see my son's precious soul. vs. being jealous of them, and asking why they get to be here and not my son.
Some how, I have learned how to tolerate selfish people, oblivious people and completely rude and obnoxious people and reactions. I have realized not everyone has suffered such a huge loss and it's irrational of me to set expectations for anyone.
Some how, I have learned to love and see the world, as if my son is apart of everything beautiful and good!
and some how, I still have days where I completely forget about all of this and absolutely hate the world and want NOTHING but my precious baby boy back. but these days are coming of less and less, but I am absolutely STILL authorized to them, whenever the hell they decide to come on!
All in all, I feel like I am able to love so strong and so passionately now, because of the fight my son fought here. In everything that I do!
I have all this love for him. When you held him, you knew he was special. You couldn't help but love and appreciate everything else too.
I just want to give some hope, to anyone that may be suffering the most devastating loss, it does get better.
Not because it hurts any less, but because we become stronger! Push through, find something good to do for yourself and others, and you can fight through your pain! You can find some happiness again! We can remember our children and SMILE! We are still entitled to and WILL have our "bad" days!
We will never be "fixed" "cured" " just fine" or "back to normal again"! Not ever! but the days where we feel like there is no possibly way we can survive this, will lessen!
Another thing I would just like to share, is that I have been on this road 100% clean and sober.
I am a recovering addict and alcoholic and was diagnosed with clinical depression at 12 years old.
I almost had a drink the first month after we lost Max. I was still numb and felt like I wanted to drink, and was totally fine with it. I didn't end up drinking at all, thank God, and quickly realized that I was not in the right mind and that I would NEVER be okay with using any kind of substance again. It has been a struggle and still is, working through this completely feeling 100% of everything. I have also been on an anti-depressant in the past, which I stopped taking a few months before I got pregnant. (not related to max's congenital anomalies) I went to psych therapy and spoke with pastors and counselors who suggested a medication to ease my pain, but I decided against such and knew that I needed to feel these things to move forward. There is nothing wrong with taking medication if you need it, but it was an accomplishment for myself, to get through this without the assistance of anything but what I created for myself, which was healthy activities that give me focus!
To my baby, You are everything that I could have ever wanted. Momma is SO incredibly proud of you! When I think of you, I think of strength, sweetness, beauty, cuteness, silliness, happiness, pure joy and hope! You gave me a lifetime of happiness and love, in the time of a full term pregnancy and just 4 months in my arms. I could have not imagined a more beautiful baby, with such an amazing little personality. If mommy could just hold you once more, I'd give anything. but momma will hold you again one day. Thank you for fighting to be with mommy for such a while on this Earth! You were always so happy and smiling! Thank you for being so strong for momma! You have taught me so much my precious little man! Mommy loves you so incredibly much! Forever and ever, my baby you'll be <3
Love, momma
My girl. Still talks about Max so much every day! She wanted to take his photo and his teddy for show and tell last week! and she sure did! She even took his teddy to school one day without telling me! I searched all over the house for him! I panicked! So I decided to ask her if she knew where he was, and she calmly replied, "he's at school." LOL
Some how, this little woman remembers every detail about Max. She is so amazing, the best little auntie ever! Max is such a huge part of her and I see him in her so much! A few weeks ago she asked me, "When is Max coming home to his mommy?" It tore my heart into a million pieces because she just doesn't understand still. then she said, "how come Max doesn't have to go to the doctor anymore?" she answered herself, and said, "He's all better now." She must understand something.
We love you bubbas!
P.S. I can not express to you all how much your comments and emails have helped me through the past year. Please know that your words encourage me so much and I love receiving them! Please do not be afraid to comment here or email me with anything! xoxoxoxoxo
