Sunday, February 27, 2011

A Glimpse of Heaven editing

I just made a new blog specificly for my Angel edits so I thought I'd share it on this one to get the word out!

This blog is mainly for editing pictures of Angels but I will do others too.

A Glimpse of Heaven editing

Friday, February 25, 2011

My New Hobby

Lately I have been editing pictures for hours at a time.
Pictures of Maddox, pictures of me, and especially pictures of other Angels!
I love it!
A few women so far have given me pictures of their children to touch up and make more beautiful,
since some of the babes were discolored, one was in a bad car accident,
and some were great pictures that just needed a little enhancement.
I really love doing it and it makes me feel good about myself!
I get so creative with this thing!
As of now I am using Picnik. Its simple and online.
I want to look into a more sophisticated and complex editing software.
I love it!

Lately I have been so, I don't even know lol CRAZY!

Very bi-polar, for lack of a better word.

I miss my baby boy so badly. Its so hard to believe that he was once here, and I was actually snuggling him at one point in time. I want to rewind my life so badly. Just to the day I got induced, with all the same knowledge I have now. I just want more time with my sweet guy!

Lately it seems like I have been pushing everyone away.  Mostly other moms and people my age.
I just wish all the awesome support and grieving mother besties I have online, lived in my town!
I have no one to hangout with that I can hardly stand and that understands me.
I don't get irritated with people that know what I am going through.
They help me feel not alone. Everyone else complains about the stupidest of things it seems, and I just get too irritated and drained. I honestly can't help it. I wish people would just shut up and realize that they have all that they need.

I am missing the key to survival!

When you take a fish out of water, what does it do?
It goes crazy and flops all around in a struggle to find water to survive!
After a while of no water, the fish is barely alive.
This fish can survive quite some time without water, but is the fish really living?
Is the fish swimmingly freely out in the ocean?
No, but only barely breathing and struggling minute by minute to stay alive...
and when you poke the struggling fish, it may jolt  from your touch, but resume its lethargic struggle until its fate, where as then, the fish is free and living again, without its pain from the absence of water...

So maybe that,(which just flowed freely off my fingertips)
can help you understand more...
When I am around someone it messes up my imbalance even more, causing more irritation or draining me from having to be so fake for the period they're in my presence.
I am barely surviving, sometimes not even knowing how I am going to make it the next hour,
so I wish who ever reads this would seriously appreciate every little detail of their life and the lives surrounding them, because the world can't function with the sun, and some of us are missing our Sunshines, the light we wake up to in the morning :(

I am positive nothing can heal or even help at all, this type of wound.
No councilor, no medicine, nothing...

There is one thing that will put us out of our misery, something so uncertain, yet so desired.
The only way to put the fish out of its agony, is to either put it back in the water, or to end its life now...

I will not end my life, so I am basically doomed to this misery until God thinks I have had enough,
in which I have, but I guess he is not done with me.

I went to see bubbaz grave today. They took off the spray of flowers from his service that marked his grave for a while. That sort of irritated me but they were dead and all gross from the snow melting so I understood.
I thought of this awesome idea for a head stone! I really can't wait. In fact, I am going to draw it up right now since I just remembered!

Here are some of the pictures I have played with the past few days.

My baby boy's soul leaving us...
 Getting our sweat test in Rockford, no Cystic Fibrosis!
 Snuggling on the Pediatric floor at KSB when Max had a UTI...
 At home being silly!
 After our bath time :)
 Being silly, playing on the blankey Aunt Pam got us!
 One of bubbaz very first smiles!
 Momma and Max in Rockford!
 The morning after bubbaz arrived!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Right Now

I might as well drop off the map. I wish anyways.
I seriously wish the numbness of the first weeks of losing my baby would come back.
How did I seem so calm and in control and at peace?
I am so broken. Broken doesn't even describe my pain. I am lost and empty.
I just want my baby. He is seriously all I think about. I dont really know what I am going to do, or how I am going to make it these next few days. I am no longer allowed to be alone.
I really feel alone, even though there are so many mothers out there longing for their babies too, but for some reason my pain seems unbearable. I dont think I can do it much longer. Its taken every ounce out of me.
I managed to get some scrapbooking and cleaning done today. It made me feel a little better.
My mom must have found a dirty sock of his because she handed me some clean clothes that got mixed with hers with a single sock of Maddox's on top of the pile. It tore me up all over again.
I dont know how I ever handled this. I dont know how I was ever okay. I am the farthest thing from okay right now.
Thats why I cant stand when people tell me I am stronger than them, as if I am okay with all of this. I may have seemed like it and may still seem like it in public, but I am truly, seriously, on edge.
For some reason, whenever I go to a place where I really don't want to cry, like school, I am on the verge of tears all day long. But when I am at home, and I know I can pretty much break down whenever I want, I cry less.
I like being around people that didnt really know me before.
I dont like being around people that were around me before Maddox, because I feel like all they are thinking about is how different or fake I am being or how horrible I feel because I was so excited for him.
I feel so stupid.
I think I honestly hate myself. I hate my body, I hate the things I didnt do with Maddox, I hate that I didnt know, I hate that the doctors couldnt do anything. I hate everything.
This hatred has been here, but more so because I baby sat my 2 month old neice, and I took some really awesome pictures of her. Then I got to thinking, why didnt I ever do this with Maddox?
I didnt have a good camera while he was at home with us, but still? It hurts me because there were so many different types of pictures I wanted of him, and now I am taking them of other babies and not him. I sort of feel guilty.
I am so unbalanced. One second I feel okay and fresh and ready to remember Maddox and not cry,
and the next, I am ready to jump off the roof.
I dont think I will ever really kill myself, just because of my siblings and Ron and everything, but some moments are so hard, that none of them matter, and I just want to be with my son instantly.
Before I had a reason to not do this, because I thought I would not see my son, I thought I would go to some other place for taking my own life, but I read up on a lot of places, and found that God is merciful on those who are in deep depressions and things to that effect, so I thought, maybe he will forgive me since I am in so much pain, so the other night is when I almost really did it.  But I quickly snapped out of it and was not left alone. It is so hard though, to know that I could possibly be with him, so quickly.
It's a daily challenge. It sounds so easy. Because he is all I want. He is everything to me, and now hes gone. I cant even bare it anymore. No one will ever understand how painful this is.
All the other grieving mothers I know, either have more children or already had more children, or try to pretend it didnt happen, or push it away, or kill themselves. Some grieve very well, but I think its because of their living children, or because they didnt get to bond with their child. I BONDED with Maddox! We had such a close relationship. We were so connected and intune with eachother. We were completely in love. I love him so much. I know miscarriage and stillborn hurts but this hurt is different, and I dont know anyone who has experienced losing their child this way, so sometimes it doesnt help to talk to other GMs.
I dont know how I will ever move on from this, I know I wont ever move on, but how can I accept this? How can I accept that my son is not with me? That hurts so badly. Theres nothing more I will ever want.
Another child can not fill my heart, the thought of having another child SICKENS me! I was MADDOX"S mother ONLY! I was meant to be my baby boys mother, no baby will ever come between that.
I dont even know I am so completely saddened and empty.
He is seriously the only thing I think about. No seriously, every second out of the day he is on my mind.

  • Do at least 1 lesson a day of APEX online school
  • Lessen suicidal thoughts
  • Scrap book more and remember the good things about Maddox more and remember that he is in a better place and that he is saved from this nasty world.
  • Start applying for jobs

                   My little guy in his cousins bouncy seat! He knew it was for a girl! What the heck guys!

Friday, February 18, 2011

I Was Wrong

In all my early posts, I seemed so accepting, calm, and okay with all of this.
With my son dying, I spoke of how I was genuinely okay and understanding that my son is better. 
Everyone was so glad I was doing well, and I defended myself against those who doubted my optimism.
Well they were all right. I really am not okay at all. I thought I was "okay" enough to start school LOL
I suppose I was in total shock and my body put up a seriously convincing front.
Wow, I am the farthest thing from "okay" right now. I dont even know what I am. I am literally broken.
I will never be fixed. A professional told me the hole in my heart will eventually close, I laughed in sarcasm.
Unless you have experienced this, you will know that this whole never closes. I cant even imagine this hole closing, who says I want this hole to close?
Its so hard to believe that my son was once actually here in my arms! I seriously dont know if I can handle it anymore.
No one understands. Not even another grieving mother I dont think. Even if someone did understand it wouldn't help. What am I going to do without my son?
This hurts, and I am at my breaking point. I cant be fun, silly, laughing and "okay" anymore.
Its so hard not to die. Its all I think about and I finally had a dream about it! It was so beautiful and perfect, and then of course at the end of the dream, I come back to this miserable life. I am miserable. So completely miserable. I dont really care about helping people anymore, I just want my son. I would kill everyone on this Earth with my own bare hands if it would bring back my son and it would just be me and him. There is simply nothing more I want. Maybe this is just one of my moments but I honestly dont think I can do it anymore. I cant go on. How will I go on? No one understands and I dont even think I want anyones help. Its so unfair.
I hate this so badly. No one understands this ach. No one understands how empty I am.
I am forever broken and I am sorry if I cant go on anymore. I just cant do it. I can capitalize my letters, I can hide my broken heart for a little while, but I cant live without my son any longer. I really dont know what I am going to do tonight. I thought a blog might help me snap back to reality but reality makes me want to leave even more. I just wish something could just happen so badly. Life is torture. Life is TORTURE! Its not a gift when your first born, flesh and blood is stolen from you. Then is just a nightmare and full of pain. I am so sickened. I just want to be in Heaven too with my baby. I want my baby! Thats all an dit hurts so bad. i cant do this anymore but i am too afraid to kill myself in case i dont see my son. i cant do this.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Birth Control: Implanon

While I was still pregnant with Maddox, my Healthy Family's councilor went over a birth control pamphlet with me and introduced the Implanon.
I was very interested and immediately did my own research.

        is a newer birth control implant, receiving FDA-approval in July 2006. This contraceptive implant is a thin rod, 40 mm in length and 2 mm in diameter -- about the size of a cardboard matchstick. It's made from a flexible plastic and is inserted just under the skin on the inner side of your upper arm. Implanon is a progestin-only method and provides about 3 years of pregnancy protection. Insertion requires a local anesthetic and only takes a few minutes. The implant can also be removed anytime before the 3 years are up. Implanon does not contain latex or silicone and will not dissolve, so it must be removed.

                                                                 Isn't the box cute?

How Implanon Works:
        Implanon continually releases a low dose of etonogestrel (a progestin) to protect against pregnancy for up to 3 years. It contains 68 milligrams of etonogestrel, released over the 3-year period; about 60 to 70 micrograms per day are released in the first year, and the amount decreases over time. After the third year, Implanon will still release some hormone, but it will not be enough to prevent pregnancy. Like other hormonal methods, it works by stopping ovulation, changing the cervical mucus making it harder for sperm to swim through, and thinning the uterine lining, so it is less receptive to implantation.

 Being realistic, I knew I did not want anymore kids anytime soon, therefore Ron and I decided to maintain abstinent and use a form of birth control as further precautions.

The Implanon instantly caught my eye because it co-exists with breastfeeding.

  • It is a safe and highly effective birth control method
  • A good alternative option for women who can't use estrogen-based contraceptives
  • Provides continuous pregnancy prevention for 3 years and can be removed anytime within the 3-year period
  • After removal, a woman’s ability to become pregnant returns quickly; some women have reported becoming pregnant within days after removal of the contraceptive implant
  • It is a private and discreet birth control method. Nobody can tell if you are using it, and there is no packaging or other evidence of use that may embarrass some women
  • Most women can’t see Implanon after its insertion
  • It allows for continuous, long-lasting birth control without the need of a tubal ligation
  • Convenient and hassle-free –- once inserted, you don’t have to do anything

 I went to the clinic, she cleaned my arm, put some numbing stuff on, then gave me a shot of a local anesthetic to numb the area. Within 5 minutes I was completely numb and she cleaned my arm again and inserted the Implanon through a large metal needle. It did not hurt at all. The numbing shot hurt a little bit but no more than a regular shot. I barely bruised, some people bruise really bad but not me. I had a little piece of skin left on from where the needle entered my arm,  but it turned into a scab and is already fully healed.
The video makes it all look much worse than it actually is! Its painless and carefree!

 So far, I am happy with it! I got it while I was on my first period and I am still spotting brown older blood. Whether this is just because it's my first period since prior to being pregnant or because of the Implanon I am not sure. But besides that I am totally satisfied. I just love not having to care about birth control. Its in there and done for 3 years.

Why I did not choose any other form of birth control;

The Pill is the least effective form of birth control. It is also very sensitive. If you miss one day it messes everything up, hence, how Maddox got here ;) It also causes a lot of the similar side effects as the Depo shot which I will post below.

Mirena/Nuva Ring/Any type of Vaginal IUD I am just not comfortable with and heard horror stories about them. I don't really like the idea of something foreign in my vagina. It just seems unnatural and dangerous. and it is. Mirena can cause really bad problems and life threatening infections. So I just decided to stay away from all that. The Nuva Ring just sounded weird too. I would feel weird having it up there and unsure if its in or how to use it and all.

The Depo Shot is a sickening amount of hormones being released into your body. Enough to last you three months all at once! It also makes you gain weight, decreases your fertility,
Causes you to lose bone density. Usually causes irregular bleeding. You have to get it every three months.
 It can abort or cause birth defects if you are pregnant. Many women also experience change in sex drive, appetite, depression, nausea, head ache, hair loss, increased body and facial hair, and tender breasts. It also puts you at high risk of having an Ectopic pregnancy. So basically the shot sucks. A lot of people say they love it but they don't really know what its doing to them on the inside and what their body will be like in the future.

Those are the most popular forms of birth control. All the other forms like the patch, spermicides, diaphragm, cervical cap, contraceptive sponge etc. I thought all just sounded crazy and some unsafe and ineffective so I didn't even really look into them or even question them.

So yeah, I would HIGHLY recommend the Implanon. It seems like the most obvious and safe choice!
Here is the video of me getting the Implanon inserted. Don't be afraid! It looks FAR more worse than it feels and the long term outcome is perfect!

You can feel it underneath your skin. It just feels like a little hard line. It doesnt hurt to touch it at all. You cant see it but you can feel it.

Babies are great, beautiful, miracles but sometimes we arent ready for them or just don't want one. So to help prevent unplanned pregnancy, abstinence is the best option but not always realistic, so birth control can help us wait to have a child until we are ready and prepared for a child ;)

(I will upload video through youtube but for some reason youtube is having tech difficulties right now but I will try to post by end of the night)


A New Outlook

I met with my teacher's Pastor today. He is also a licensed psychiatrist, doctor, councilor person.
People like my teacher, bring their friends and family to him and he listens to them and helps them and gives them advice all at no cost. They are really good people.

Anyway, he is seriously really helpful. He had a way of explaining things that stuck and made sense.
He had experienced similar things that we have but not losing a child that has been born and bonded with, but it still seemed like he understood. He put real things that went on in my head, into something visual and physical.

He explained to me exactly why I sleep so much, why I am grieving the way I do, and that everything is normal.

 He explained how I need to move foward and how and why I need to stop judging and critiquing other people. I told him about how I can't help but get irritated and judge other moms and my family. He then told me that I am not the one to point fingers, because I am not. I am not perfect. God is, so thats his job, not mine.

I took a good look at myself today and decided I am seriously going to try to change. Lately I have been really getting into it with my mom and the way she parents. I decided to just leave her alone and let her handle her kids the way she wants. When there isnt extra stress, she is a really good, loving, enjoyable mom. So maybe if I back off and try to make this house a happier, better, place by not bitching and critiquing everyone, it will make everything and everyone else better and happier. and this goes for all aspects of my life...

There is nothing bad that could come from this. Only good. and only bad can come out of being bitter, mean, hateful, and judgmental. Some irritations are inevitable but theres no going wrong with trying. I want to remember my son and do even more for him and try to be happier and less resentful and regretful.
Wish me luck! 

Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today is ALSO,

Maddox's 5 Month Birthday! 

Maddox's 1 month Angel Anniversary!

My first day of School!

 and my dentist appointment lol. I got my 2nd and LAST cavity filled today. Talked like a DORK for 2 hours lol. 

      While most people are cuddling, snuggling, laughing, and playing with the love of their life, I visited mine at the cemetery today. We decorated his grave site a little bit more. We released a few balloons for him and also for another Angel Babe named Niah Hope.  

 School went well. I had to stop myself from tearing up a few times but I only actually almost cried once. 
It just hurts to know the last time I was in that building, I was happy, anxious and always dreaming about the day I become a mother to my highly anticipated baby boy! Then the day I re-enter that building, I am childless. I have nothing. Everything I couldn't wait to show off, every reason I had to work my butt off at school, is gone. I almost feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not because of Maddox, but because I was so happy and excited, when I was about to face my worst nightmare, not even knowing it.

I am ashamed and embarrassed about a lot of things. I am ashamed of my body that failed my son's heart. These stretch marks, my fat, my breasts, all are just a cruel reminder of how my body could not provide my son with a working heart, liver, and kidneys.

I am so grateful though. I am so grateful that I got 4 months with him and 5 weeks at home with him. I miss him so badly. I feel like I am slowly forgetting what it was like to have him here. I miss him. I cant imagine loving another child this much. I simply can not. No child will ever be the same. He is so special and unique. I am having a hard time not digging up his grave. The soil is so fresh, rich and loose it looks like I could just reach in their and grab him. I have done a lot of research on it, and if I came up with the money, I could have him moved to a regular grave lot, a big one, and I could have them open his casket so I could maybe see him one last time. I seriously think about this a lot and have considered it. His body would have been well preserved from the cold, I wouldn't care if it wasn't preserved. I just want to hold him! It seriously is the most painful, excruciating, PAINful feeling, it is sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I will be thinking and just think to myself, "He's gone? Wait, is he really gone? He is!" and it hits me all over again. Sometimes I don't even know how I am handling it. Am I even handling it? When I think about how he is not here, it hits again, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my life is going on forever. My entire face hurts and I don't know how I am surviving, honestly. Right now I am breaking down. Right now I feel like I want to die, and that I can't handle it. I will be okay in a little while I know. Sometimes the pain becomes more real and hits so hard all over again. I cant resist him, but I am forced to. This is the worst possible feeling ever. I can't even handle this right now. My night is ruined I have to go. I will continue this blog later. I want to hold my baby boys pillow and just wish for him here. Sometimes thats all I do, is pray and wish for him to just magically appear...


Saturday, February 12, 2011



Dieting and Exercising is sooo much harder than I thought it would be!
When I was pregnant, I would so easily say,
"Yeah I am going to exercise, and eat healthy and breastfeed and all!"
Little did I know,  I would only be able to breastfeed for 3 months, and be sitting in a hospital room all day with my beautiful son.
Then when I finally go home without my son, I would not be able to exercise, eat healthy, or even sometimes wake up!

I finally went grocery shopping and got what I WANTED and healthier things then what my mom gets.
The things she buys are kool-aid, pop, sugary cereals, canned food, fast food, whole fats, instant meals, and all that.
This time I tried to buy fresh and frozen fruits and veggies, whole wheat bread, low fats, and stayed away from instant meals, preservatives, sodium, and all that junk.

But our cubbards still have left overs of these foods! Which makes it very hard to stick with my diet!
My sleep schedule also interferes with it. I sometimes sleep all day till 4 in the afternoon. So my metabolism is running very low since I basically skipped breakfast and lunch so anything after that is probably all going to fat. URGG

Today I did sort of okay! Talking INTAKE wise. I did not choose the best foods though.  I got up at noon, had a special K breakfast bar, 90 calories. Then only drank water for the rest of the day. Then I had crackers and crab dip for a small snack and spaghetti for dinner. Not bad since I got up at noon. But now I am eating cinnamon rolls, knowing they are my enemy, but I cant help it. They are SO delicious! I dont care anymore. I keep making up excuses for myself!
"Oh it's winter you might as well eat whatever you want, then when spring and summer comes you will work out and diet!"

I seriously can't tell myself no. Thats BAD! Does anyone else have this issue? When I see something I want, I know its bad, but I eat it anyway? Urggg, I guess it would help if I had some support. Everyone in my house either doesn't care or says, "I am skinny, I don't need to watch what I eat!"

For instance, my sister went grocery shopping with me the other day and started throwing a bunch of crap in the cart along with my step brother and Ron. I told them to get it OUT and to not throw stuff in the cart. They started mocking me by reading the nutrition label on everything out loud and obnoxiously.
They said, "Well were not fat so we don't need to watch what we eat! No ones going to eat this crap!"
So I told them just because they aren't "fat" doesnt mean they are healthy!
 People in this house are just lazy and don't want to prepare food. Including myself. I will sometimes but it is very hard, especially when you are cooking for a bunch of picky brats. Its overwhelming too, having to shop and cook for a load of kids. I dont know. Basically I feel alone and am looking for support but mostly venting!

I have never had a weight problem in my life. A lot of other moms always tell me I look great and that I am not fat. Compared to them, I am probably where they would want to be, but when looking at myself, I am not where I WANT to be. I was way skinnier than this before. I was a size 3 and sometimes even 1. Now I don't even know what size I really am. I was a size 12 and now I am probably about a bigger 7 or 8. It is sooo frustrating. Especially, being a mom, I stopped caring so much about my clothes and what I wear and how I look, so I havent really gone shopping anymore and don't even know what my style is anymore. Its basically comfort and simplicity. I lack the energy to dress all fancy and cute. I think simple modesty looks nice too though.

*SIGH* I guess this will just take some time. I think it would be easier if I lived on my own. Then I would be able to control what exactly goes in my house and who I am cooking for. I will have this one day!
It definitely is not working out right now though!

If anyone has any tips or suggestions for dieting alone in a house full, please let me know!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Confusion and Venting

I don't really know where I am at this point. It is so confusing.
I have said it before, sometimes I feel okay and accepting and sometimes I really don't know what I am going to do.

I decorated Maddox's grave today for Valentines Day. I also put a few things on my cousin Nick's grave.
This week went by fast but it seems like this month has been a life time.
The days seem to drag on and on, as I have said before.
I think my life and blog will always be like this.
Missing my son, wanting to die, having a good day, barely going on. So I understand if I lose followers.
My life will never be the same or happy. Not that I want it to be the same, well I do. I want my son here. But I dont want to try to go back to normal or anything. I want to remember my son. Always.
Seeing other Angel babies kind of helps me. It makes me sad that they had to go but it makes me happy to know who my baby boy is playing with. It seems like the cutest kids go to Heaven. Makes sense!

I have been having a lot of trouble at home lately. With my family and all. I have huge resentments towards both of my parents just because of things that took place during my child hood. So sometimes it seems like I switch back and forth between parents. When one pisses me off I go to the other one. Which is kind of the case but its different. I try to put the resentment for one parent aside, so we can get along, then when they piss me off, all the resentment comes back, and I throw it in their face and go to my other parent. So today I got called selfish and fake because of that. That I take sides and only get mad when I want something. Well that is not true. When one of them does something, its like everything they ever did to me, reoccurs in my head, and I hate them all over again. So I vent to my other parent. Both of my parents aren't very great, but I feel like my dad is sort of getting better, thanks to his new girlfriend. I like her and I think she definitely put him in place for good. I dont see them breaking up any time soon and she is the type of woman he needed in her life.
As for my mom, she is just ungrateful and miserable. Sometimes are good but she has severe undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. One minute shes cool, the next she is lashing out. It bothers me because I have 4 younger siblings that dont need to see that.

I grew up seeing my parents lashing out, and now I tend to have similar ways in my own personal relationships. They think it doesn't bother us but it does. My child hood was damaged by these things. My entire life was damaged by these things. I dont want this for my siblings. I dont understand whats so horrible about that? Another thing I get angered by, is getting bitched at for my sleeping. I have not even slept in that late lately! I have been doing good! and when I am not sleeping, I am taking care of my siblings, cleaning, or on the computer connecting with other grieving mothers or blogging or working on my memorial projects for Maddox. It seems like everyone in this house is always saying, "All you do is sit on the computer and sleep!"
A. I deep clean the entire house in the middle of the night when every one is sleeping, how else do you wake up to a clean house every morning?

B. The computer is my way of coping and interacting with people who have experiences similar things. It is also my way of remembering my son! I am always going through his pictures and videos. This is what helps me! I am so sick of that. They think all I do is sit on facebook and talk to random people, well NO. That is not that case. I am sharing my story and listening to others on here. and it HELPS.

C. My sleeping is so hard. Some times I truly can not move. I am not exaggerating either. It feels like someone beat me up and paralyzed me. Like I have nothing to look forward to, no baby crying needing fed, no baby needing love, no Maddox. Not anywhere. Maddox, is a pillow wrapped in a hospital blanket and a Teddy bear that I fall asleep with in my arms and wake up to find on the other side of the bed.

Another thing I am sick of, is people being so disrespectful in this house. My siblings are seriously horrible. They say some of the most horrible things. They are obnoxious, undisciplined, disrespectful brats. They get away with everything because my mom is too lazy to deal with them. I try to discipline them but nothing works. I dont want to get violent and sometimes I get urges to but I know that will not solve anything either. We are in desperate need of nanny 911 but no one in this house is capable of following through with rules. Even my mother. Our family has always been unorganized, breaking rules, breaking chore lists, being late, missing appointments, and just totally incapable of a schedule. I hate this. I want to run my own house hold so badly. I basically do but when it comes to making rules, "I am not the boss." Thats why I wanted to parent Maddox so badly. I know I would have been good at it. We would have had order, rules, discipline, rewards, gratification and respect. We would have been a close family and Maddox would have been raised well. I wanted to do everything my parents did wrong, right with my son. My parents still to this day, do wrong. I hate to say there is a right and wrong way to parent but there is. There are many different "right ways" to parent, but there are very obvious wrongs.

Another thing that bothers me in this house, is the lack of health care. It seems like everyone is only interested in eating junk food. My 2 year old sister is obsessed with chocolate and sweets. Everyone else is always eating something high in sodium, fast foods and drinking pop. Today I went grocery shopping for my mom and avoided all fatty foods. I got the healthiest things that my family would still eat as much as possible.  I think their problem is just not wanting to prepare the food. Thats another thing I looked forward to, was decided what Maddox ate, introducing him to healthy foods and preparing him healthy meals and just practicing healthy ways with him. I would have loved cooking for him. I generally hate cooking but if I lived on my own, with Maddox and maybe Ron, I would love cooking. I guess I just dont like cooking for ungrateful brats and MANY of them! I just wish my family could care more about being healthy. Just because you arent over weight, doesn't mean you are healthy!

Yes, I have more to rant about! Something else that bothers me is that my siblings do not have to do anything. They have ZERO responsibilities. I have siblings that are 12, 10, 8 and 2. My 12 year old sister Kayla helps sometimes, but my 10 year old brother and 8 year old sister are complete brats and don't do anything. They whine when they don't get their way, they use nasty words, and always have to have something. We have tried making out chore lists but they always get out of them. My mom always says, "Okay this time I am following through, no one is getting out of their chore and we are sticking to it!" Well that never happens. She's always too busy or too lazy to put her foot down. So when I try to do it, I am in the wrong because no one wants to hear it and I am not the mom and so my siblings get away with it all again and get to be brats and trash the house without consequences. Family is about loving and helping each other! Our family doesn't know what that even means.
Everyone in this house is selfish and helping someone out just because is unheard of with my siblings. I know they are young but they are old enough to know whats right and wrong and how to get their way when they want it. I would have taught Maddox that we help and share with our family because we love and care about each other. I have actually gotten pretty far with Peyton, the 2 year old. I took care of her most of the time during my pregnancy and now, and she cleans up after herself, she helps out just because, she is caring and tries to cheer you up when you are upset and she is just all around sweet. However, she has learned some pretty bad things from my siblings. They thought it would be funny to teach her to call people "retards" and say, "god damn it" I came home from the hospital and was so mad. I put her in time out now when she does say these things so she doesn't say them much anymore. But she also can be very bratty too. This I feel she learned from my siblings yelling and wrestling eachother. She sometimes hits when she doesn't get her way and screams and says "shut up!" I feel bad because I yell sometime when I get angry but I am working on it and try not to in front of her. But time out seems to be working for her so I am pleased with her progress. It's not her fault but the least I can do is show her that these things are wrong.

Anyway, I guess I am done with my vent about what goes on in my house and family, it is very late so I should probably get to bed. Tomorrow I am going over to a friends house. Her child has been in and out of the hospital with a supposed "heart murmur" Sound familiar? So I am going to explain to her that these doctors are neglecting her baby, as her daughter has been experiences fluid overload and breathing issues and stuff. I am positive it is more than a heart murmur. Maddox's "heart murmur" turned out to be severe stenosis causing fatal obstruction and irreversible damage, so maybe I can help her ask the right questions before its too late.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

An Apology

For the post before. I was in one of my extremely intense "moments." Every hour is different for me. Every minute even. One I am okay, then the next I am praying for my death. I am so confused. What state of grief am I in? Does it always go in order? I thought I was okay. I am okay. Right now I am okay. Not as okay as I have been, but I am okay. Not even an hour ago I was convinced I was dying and that everyone was out to get me and I hated everyone.  Theres something wrong with me and I know exactly what it is. Something is missing and I know exactly what it is, he is. My sweet precious boy. When you have something/someone so important taken from you, I guess this is what it does. I hope it stops or at least calms down. I have never felt more helpless, hopeless in my life. Ive never wanted to die more. Ive never been so fond of my own death. Ive never been so fake in my life. Ive never resented anyone this much. Ive never been so confused. These are a few things that I have found that in ones best attempt, "explain" exactly how this pain is, for those who are trying to understand. You will never understand...

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous

This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

 I am so lost right now. Sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone and let me just grieve! and sometimes I am glad people are reaching out to try and help me. Nothing ever really helps me. Something may brighten up my day for a second, but at the end of the day, when I am alone in my bed, nothing helps. If I want actual "help", I get it. I have taken all measures myself with the help of the people I reach out to FOR help. If I need help, I will get it and I will know it. Which is why I have already made arrangements. I have had someone tell me I need help and that this is not okay. and this was from someone who has never lost anyone! I think feeling like this is absolutely FINE and when its NOT I take care of myself. HOWEVER, sometimes I would just like to be left alone! Right now, the state I am in, I feel like breaking my phone, crawling in bed, and never coming out... ever... Which is why I am seeking help. But in the mean time, let me do what I want, which is NOTHING!

Ughh sorry, I know this was supposed to be an apology post and I am in need of another apology in my apology post lol URG. okay, I am okay again. I am so frustrated. I dont even know where to begin. I am frustrated with everything in my life. My future is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and I am no where near close to that. Right now, I want to be useless, sluggish, alone, dead, or just lazy. I dont want to do anything. But it changes all the time. For example, yesterday, my birthday, (which is perhaps why I felt like this) I was up ready and wanting to do everything! I wanted to be social, I wanted to be spontaneous and fun and dance and I did. Then I have days like today where I crash and am lower than low. Maybe its all fake. I dont know when I am truly happy. Its like I have taught myself so well that when I need to pretend to be happy, I am happy? Sometimes I catch myself though, in public. I start staring off into space and day dreaming of Maddox and then I look up and realize what I was doing and smile. I dont want other people to see me sad. Actually, I just remembered I had to do this on part of my birthday. A few times actually. Its embarrassing because I feel like people know. Thats why I like to be alone. I can feel however I want and not care whos paying attention. I can cry, I can scream, I can talk to Max, I can punch things, get mad, cuss, do whatever I need to do, without someone nagging or thinking telepathically out loud. When I am awake, and around other people, I try to go into my fun zone, where I sort of let myself go, often finding myself dancing, goofing around, acting stupid, and then when Max comes into my mind, I block him out and continue on my goofy, obnoxious rant, and then I get called annoying and stupid by my siblings and Ron and then when I am being my real, bum, lazy, grieving self, I get called lazy and useless. So thats where I am confused. I can never just have a happy medium. I am either obnoxious or almost dead. Or wishing I was I guess...

Ugh again back to my apology, for those who have kids and are my friend, I dont hate you or your baby, as I may have made it seem like that in my last post. I just have my moments where your children hurt me so bad. Its never IN the moment I am with your child. It is usually after everyones gone and I have time to myself to think. Ha, sounds like I am basically just a danger to myself I know. I just have so many unorganized thoughts and feelings and so everything is exaggerated in my head at the moment and nothing comes out right. Someone once said, "So how are you doing? You seem pretty okay?" It was irritating and I guess thats what I have made myself think I need to be sometimes. Is okay, which is why everything is so confused an unorganized in my head because I dont know whats normal for me or how I am really feeling and life is just a blur. Which is why I always come back to my bed... Where I feel connected to my son most, where I have time for him and I only. No one else. Just my one and only baby boy and me <3 

Saturday, February 5, 2011

I am miserable

I dont want to do anything and I hate everyone.  I will have moments where I act silly and crazy and funny like everything is okay and its fucking not. I want to make myself and other people laugh because its fun and passes time, and when I am alone or talk to other shitty people I cant stand it anymore. I hate it. I really do. I wish I could just die and it could be as easy as that. What the hell is wrong with some people? A girl I know that I havent seen in years said "you can steal my baby whenever you want when I have him," as if it were going to make me feel better, like another baby would make me feel better. Sometimes they are cute but they also stab me in the chest. I love them and hate them at the same time. I like being around them sometimes but when I am alone and have time to break, I do, and it hurts so bad, cause all I can think about is how that baby is with its mom and my son isnt and I am not with him and we just arent together and thats not how its supposed to be! Plus this girl is completely ignorant and uneducated and it makes me pissed off and sad for the child. I hate people like that... I wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me just lay in my bed for the rest of my life and expect absolutely nothing from me and just let me wither away in my covers forever, with baby's z-flo pillow, hospital blankey, and teddy bear. I have been on edge all week. I feel like jumping off a 20 story building but I can't because I wont see my son that way either. If I knew for a fact it would lead me to my son I would do it right now and not give a shit about who would care if I died. I dont care if anyone else died. Ive already lost the most important piece of my life, its like nothing else will ever phase me. Everyone can die I will not care. I hope we all do die. I've never wanted more truth in 2012 until now. I am not scared at all. I am not scared of anything. The worst that could happen to the ideal person, is death, or someone dying, and to me, death is all I want. That is ALL I want. Death means being with my son. That sounds like the best thing that could ever happen to me. I day dream about it all the time. When I am in the car, when I am in the bath, I just dream about if I got in a car accident and slammed into a tree and died right then and there and opened my eyes to a beautiful light and being handed my sweet baby boy. Or allowing myself to sink to the bottom of the bath or a river and drifting away into the light. It all sounds spectacular. I am not suicidal. I am but I cant be. If I could kill myself and see my son I would but I cant. So I dont. I would never kill myself but that doesn't mean I cant dream about the glory of it.

Speaking of dreams, I have been having some pretty bad ones lately. Ones where Maddox dies early or is killed by the doctors or just crazy horrible things. The worst was where he extubated him self a week before we planned to extubate him and the doctors said that they would not reintubate him so we had to let him die early. He was alert and knew what was going on in my dream so I kept blowing breaths into his mouth to keep him alive. In my dream I felt his lips, his skin and his face. I seriously crave it. I would do anything. I want to go back in time so badly and hold him longer after he passed. 6 hours was not enough. I probably only held him for 2 hours out of that time. I need more time! I feel so incomplete. There was so much more we needed to have closure. There were so many more different pictures I wanted to take. I felt rushed so I didnt want to hold him any longer. I think I was mostly afraid of his body stiffening. I didnt want to feel him stiff. I got uncomfortable when his organs started to get hard so I put him down. Looking back I dont care! I should have held him longer. I am hurting so bad right now. I want to hold him! THATS ALL I WANT! ughh! I now sleep with his pillow, blankey and teddy. I wrap the blankey around the pillow and hold it as if it were him while I sleep. It smells just how he smelt in the hospital. I am so afraid it will lose the smell and start to smell like me but I just cant sleep without it now. I kiss and smell the pillow. I dont really pretend its him, well sometimes sort of but I just ugh, I dont even know how to explain it. I just wish I could do everything over. With the same knowledge I have now...

I want him here so badly. Its hurting so bad. I am starting to come back from one of my moments. Its probably obvious I was in one during the beginning of this post. I dont even remember what I put and I am not even going to read it, I just was feeling out of control and enraged. I am still enraged. Sometimes I cant stand other mothers and pregnancy and baby shower talk and I just hate it all sometimes. Sometimes I dont at all but right now I am so annoyed with all the ignorance and boasts and ugh, I want to puke. How will I ever heal from this? I want him here. I thought I was doing okay but I am not. I cant take it anymore. I just wish this life could end now. But like I said, God is going to fucking torture me by giving me a full healthy life! Sure I want to do great things. I want to be a nurse, I want to possibly adopt someday, but not as much as I want my son. I swear I'd do anything. Id kill someone if I had to. Im sorry but I cant do it. I am doing it, I have to but its just so hard. No one knows. Not even another grieving mother knows. Every loss is different. Most of the grieving mothers I know have more children and all that to keep them busy. I can not even fathom the thought of having another child, which is why we are abstinent PLUS birth control. Anyway, I have yet to meet someone with my exact situation and I probably never will. There are so many things that make our situation unique and incomparable.

MADDOX is so unique and incomparable. No child I have ever met reminds me of him at all and no child will ever. A baby will make me sad, not because it reminds me of Maddox, but because the child is with its mom. Maddox is so extra special and the best, cutest, sweetest, baby boy I know. He was so calm, relaxed, content, grateful, special, beautiful, just a sweet amazing baby. The best baby I know. Hes perfect. He is perfect. There is not a single thing wrong with him in my eyes. He is my absolute, perfect, sinless, pure Angel. What am I going to do with this life time without him. It has been three weeks and one day exactly. 3 weeks, 1day and 11 minutes ago, he died in my arms. It killed me. Hes so beautiful, I will never understand and I will never forget those words doctor Bobbi said, "9:50" he shouted to the nurse, "I am so sorry" he said to us. For some reason I wasnt expecting him to die so fast. I thought we would get a miracle and he would some how live for days. Ugh I am done with this blog. My night is ruined and again, I am miserable...

This site explains everything I feel, THIS SITE