Maddox was conceived in December 2009. I always knew that I was made to be a mother. Being young, abortion or adoption never crossed my mind. I knew I wanted to love and be with my child, and my entire pregnancy I studied, researched, and prepared for my beautiful son. I put my whole self into every decision I made for him and when he finally entered this world on September, 14th, 2010, my whole life changed. I was so ready to be a mother . I loved my little man so much already.
My OB/GYN failed to tell me my son had kidney defects on my ultrasound, so I had no idea my son would be sick at all, or be getting transferred to another hospital. We got sent to the NICU in Rockford, IL for 1 month. He finally was well enough to go home, but the doctors did not know my son's heart was so bad. They sent us home, thinking all was well, only for his heart to weaken and get worse. Though, while we had him home it was seriously the best days of my life. I loved caring for him so much. It just came so naturally and perfect. We loved breastfeeding, taking baths together, playing, snuggling and all. We were so in love and we connected so well. He knew I was his momma and knew I loved him. He was so perfect. I could not even bare being away from him.
At 2 months old, Max started breathing heavy and fast. His RR was in the 70s so I took him to the ER. They sent us back to the hospital who neglected him in the first place. After staying there for two weeks, they sent us to another children's hospital and the next morning he went into cardiac arrest but was revived. At that point I thought the worst was over and that he would just need surgery and be "okay". We were then told that his heart was inoperable because it was so weak for working so hard for 3 months. He had severe mitral, pulmonary and aortic valve stenosis. So we then had to make the decision of when to take him off life support. We decided twice but when the day came, we could not do it. I prayed that my son would go on his own so I did not have to make that decision, and my prayer was answered.
On January 14, 2011 on my sons 4 month birthday, Maddox could not keep his oxygen levels up and the next thing I knew, the nurses were handing me my blue faced baby boy, for him to pass away peacefully in my arms in no more than 5 minutes. He was no longer in pain. I was in shock for the first few days and maybe even weeks, and now I am breaking.
While Maddox was here, our lives were perfect. He was so full of joy, content, the best baby in the world.
You could tell he just appreciated the simplest of things. He was so precious. Everyone loved and still loves him. He still amazes me today. He fought so hard, and still showed us his personality, even when he was sick.
He was so beautiful, he meant the world to us. He was our world, our lives revolved around him, and now he is gone, and we are so lost...
