6 days

Less than 6 days to my little man's very 1rst birthday.

One whole year has gone by. I only got to live 4 months with him in my arms.
The remaining 8 months, has been miserable. An understatement.

I have been staying soo busy lately. It is good, but also bad.
I have a very strong distraction, then when I get some down time, time to think, it makes me so sick I can't even handle it.

Everyone is asking when Maddox's party will be. I honestly do not know if I will be fit to have a party.
I am going to try to put something together September 17th, for family and friends.

However, on September 14th, around 6pm, at Riverside Cemetery, we will be doing a balloon release for anyone who would like to come. Bring your own balloon! :)

I am going to get a fence and some rocks this week to place around and in his grave. I think that will also help with the fact we do not have a headstone for him yet. We ordered the small temporary grave marker, until we can afford a headstone. We honestly thought we would be able to afford one by now, but it is killing me that we can not. I eventually want to move him to a larger plot, with a big, upright headstone, but that is not an option right now. I hate it.

I have been in school for about a month now. I started August 8th, had a week off, and started up actual classes. It has been so hard. The CNA course covers so much of everything I already know, and everything I did with Maddox. Everyone is always talking about their kids, and today was finally the day I got asked about my child. Guess what they did, everyone ignored that I had even said anything. Turned their head, and pretended I had not said anything at all, and basically excluded me from the conversation about child birth and child care.
It hurts.

I am going to try to keep more up to date with my blog, I really need it. I need a special time to just focus on me, my feelings, and my little man. A set time to grieve. It has been coming out in twisted, unexpected, and LOUD ways.

I just miss my little man. I hate hearing about the heart, and what does what, and why my son's heart didn't work. and why it couldn't be fixed. and what he had to go through, and why he is not here.
I need him here. Right now, at this very moment, I should be in bed, with my son, snuggling, cuddling, and nursing him to sleep, then gently transferring him to his toddler bed, and tucking him in tight.

I should be going crazy, shopping online for all the necessities for his huge birthday party.

Anytime I tell anyone that I have a son, and that he would be one year old this month, and that he passed away when he was 4 months old, they shake their head, say that I must be so strong, because they couldn't handle that. AND I CAN!?!?!?!?

Some how I keep surviving.

Anytime Ron and I talked about if something like this were to happen, both of us would just say no, we would just die too. End of story, we would kill ourselves. There is no way we could live through this. There is NO way. We would just die.

And that was just our plan. The second I was told my son would be dying, and that he could not be fixed, and that he would be going very soon. My FIRST immediate thought, was how I was going to die too. How would I kill myself, just in time, so that I would not have to live without him for one second. I knew that I could not stand to be without him for even a minute! I had it all planned out. I thought out every different way carefully. I decided that the best way to go about it, was to jump off the hospital balcony. I had that plan, up until the day he passed away. This weird, life saving, numbness, came over me. and some how I was able to get through those first two weeks, and the moment my son passed away in my arms, by telling myself,

"He is an Angel now, he is too good to be here. He was too perfect for Earth. He fought so hard, he deserved to be pain free. He is in God's arms now. He will always be with me" 


THEN,

the numbness wore off, and I howled painful, loud screams all through out the night. I would go through his things, and just sob. I couldn't stand it. I nearly killed myself 3 times within those first 2 months. Some how, I am here right now. Some how, I have to finish this life. Some how, I survived, some how I keep surviving. I do not know how, but some how...

When you think of someone suicidal, or someone who has lost someone so precious, the first thing you think of is, counseling. They need help, they need counseling, they need to talk to a professional...
EVERY ONE, kept asking me through out the weeks after his passing, if I had gotten any help. Professional help.

I will tell you this,

I talked to a psychologist, a pastor, and a councilor, multiples of each...

Guess what each and everyone told me?

You are young, you will be a mother again.


You will have more kids in the future.


You have to live for your future children.


Perhaps some medication will help you.


We need to get you on the right track for your future family.


My friends, mom's cousin died and it was really hard for all of us.


My grand father died and you just have to go on.


My daughter is infertile and I just tell her God does everything for a reason and to not complain.


He suffered too much anyway, it was his time, he would have suffered all too much

(All within the first two months of my son's death, mind you!!!!)

Needless to say,  I will never step foot in another "professional unit" for my grief, ever again.

There is truly nothing that will take my pain away. No medication, no counseling, no nothing!

What does help the pain, is when my son is remembered and honored for the fight he fought.

When my son's name is spoken proudly.

and when I can talk about my son, remember him, and just be supported in what ever way I am feeling!

I am going to feel sad, I am going to be pissed off, I am going to get suicidal, I am going to get ANGRY, I am going to feel sorrow, I am going to feel grief, though I am also going to feel happiness and peace.

Grief has no particular order, and I know that I will forever feel these things for the rest of my life.

All I want and need is support. and for my son to be remembered and loved.

So please, keep us all in your prayers this week, and if you can, attend Riverside Cemetery at 6pm on Wednesday, September 14th, to honor the precious 10 months my son thrived in my womb, and the precious 4 months we held him in our arms!

I would also love for those who can not be there, to change their profile picture on any social networking site, to a picture of my little man. You can also take pictures of your own balloon release or candle lighting. Thank you all so much for your support!!!!