Tuesday, December 4, 2012

It was real

I look at a picture of my son. I lift my shirt and trace my finger tips over the stretch marked skin on my stomach. I stare off into space and I can hardly believe any of this was even real. I re-read facebook posts from 2010 and every part of me shatters all over again.

This was real. I have gone two seasons with out blogging. It is bottled up. Blogging saved my life.

I am confused as to what healing is and what I need to do.

I stay so busy, unintentionally. I can hardly determine whether I am doing well and healing or just too busy to grieve and even think about anything.

There is certainly never more than a few hours where my son is not spoken of. I think about him all the time. A few hours will pass and he will not cross my mind and when he does, my world stops and I just take a few seconds and admire him in my thoughts. I will come across a photo of him and my heart stops and I feel a real physical pain in my chest and a sting in my finger tips.

I have indulged in business and love and service and finding myself.

My life for the past 2 years has been everything but easy but it has always been so full of love. I always find a way to manage and make things work. I am finding the perfect balance of not taking life so seriously, but cherishing it and holding it close at the same time.

Everyone says they are amazed at how well Ive dealt with my son passing away and how much good I have done. As if they could never do what I have done and even go as far as saying "I could never live without my baby. I love him too much. You must be much stronger than I am." While those are very nice things to say, I dont exactly take offense to them but I do want people to know how horrible and hard this was for me and that there is just some kind of hope given to us that saves our lives. It was never easy for me and I nearly killed myself. I say these things and tell my story over and over again because somewhere out there, a newly bereaved mother is going to read my blog and may think she is not doing good because she doens't have the energy to honor her child right now or to do anything positive in her child's name or even go on with life right now.

I swear to you I have been there. Just go back and read my first posts after Max passed away. I want everyone to know that it gets better. and that it is okay to be miserable and do what ever it is that you need to do right now. I didnt just lose my son one day and the next day decide Im going to do a bunch of great things in his name. It didnt happen that way and I went through the most trecherous, horrbile, and even physical pain. That stuff takes time and there is absolutely no time frame or schedule or anything!

It is amazing how so many of my prayers have been answered and how such little things arent so painful anymore. I remember ANY time I was asked about my tattoos or if I had kids or anything related to Max, my heart would drop and it was like at that moment, the entire universe just shouted in my face, "Oh yea, your baby died!"

Now I seriously love talking about Max and I have no problem doing so. I chat with other moms all the time and share my experiences and I know I have been helpful to many of my friends and clients.

My baby lived. He was the sweetest, most addicting, and happy little boy. In his presense you could truly feel his soul. The sweetest little soul. He has changed so many lives. Though I can talk about him and share his life and look at his things much easier now, there will always be those moments where everything is relived and 10x more painful and hits you all over again. Though these moments are more comforting now because I can get so caught up in this busy lifestyle, I need to remember I am human still.

I have had this blog for almost 2 years now. I never thought I'd be here. I encourage you to go back to my previous posts, from when I first started this blog, and follow our journey from the beginning and look at how for we've come and how many great things my little boy has done.

One thing I have learned about myself is that I am a damn good mother and I always will be. To Max and to my future babies. I re-read older posts and I think, how the hell did I get through that? Not knowing if my baby was going to make it. I was so in love with him and attatched to him. How did I handle being a heart mom. Tons of medications every day, never knowing what was going to happen next. We stayed busy with doctor appointments all over and many hospital visits but we still connected with our son and had the strongest bond and made sure he had everything.

The first year, I couldnt even fathom the thought of having another child. The idea alone made me sick to my stomach. I couldn't even handle being around other babies and children. I ruined every holiday event for our families. I cried at every event. I stepped foot in the door at Max's grandparents house on Easter day and immediately started sobbing. I made it through all of this. I can enjoy family events now and I love the thought of having another child some day. I just cant believe how far Ive come thanks to my precious baby boy and the Lord and every thing else out there that has given me guidance and strength.

My personal life lately has been the most challenging so far since everything. I fell in love for the first time since my son's father. I finally found someone to give all of this love I had built up to. I felt like I was happier and starting to heal and I found myself not so attatched to Max's bear and his blankeys and his clothes and I became attatched to this love. I ended up getting hurt really bad in this love and that is what I am dealing with right now. but it has also only shown me what I have to offer because of my son! I have such a huge, honest, and devoted amount of love to give. I can love so much and give someone everything. My son gave me the ability to love unconditionally and without fear and doubt and endlessly. I will find someone who is deserving of such a strong and pure love one day. I am in no rush. I am just so thankful that I am who I am because of my precious little man, Max.

I also am just so thankful I have been given the ability to realize things could be so much worse. I appreciate everything and I dwell over nothing. My time is precious and I hardly allow myself to stress over such little things. I am just so thankful for my baby and how differently I am able to SEE, thanks to him!

Also, an update on Max's headstone! It is in! I wasn't notified that it was done, I didnt get any updates and the back design wasn't even finished. I am still getting those details worked out with the designer but reguardless it is beautiful and I am so happy and thankful that it is there and that my son's name stands some where on something so beautiful that shows who he was and what reminds us of him.

Also, if you remember my post on Pregnancy and Infantloss awareness month in October of 2011, I got to meet little Jaron's new baby sister! Meet the beautiful rainbow baby, Madden! She is soo sweet! I think she looks a lot like Max! and she was born on NOVEMBER 14th!!! NO Im not joking! If you know us you know that the number 14 is tattooed on my body 3 times and that I see that number everywhere and that it is an amazing and super significant  number and sign to me that I see every day! I got a call at 2:30am from Krystal, telling me her water broke and she was heading to the hospital! I couldnt believe it! November 14th! We joked about how crazy it would be if she too was born on the 14th, as her big sister's birthday is April 14th and Jarons funeral was on October 14th!

This little girl is SO special! She was in the NICU at RMH for 2 weeks! The same NICU where Max was for 1 month! We got to go see her twice and we were even able to stay in the guest center, the same place where we lived for a month! It was so emotional but I handled it so well and I loved spending time with this little girl. Going back to the NICU was bitter sweet! It brought back so many beautiful memories! This little girl means so much to me!

Thank you everyone for keeping our family in your thoughts and prayers always and thank you for helping me share about my son and helping me survive this journey! I am so thankful for the support I have been given! I couldnt do it without everyone!

Keep updated for more CHD awareness T shirts for Max's 2nd Angelversary!!!! <3


  1. I hope you update more. I find writing helps us a lot with emotions:).

  2. I admire that you share your story. There are people that definitely need to hear it. I admire you, madam.

  3. Loved reading this Brooke. Max couldnt of had anyone better. Your such a fighter and an inspiration. I really look up to your positiveness and drive and talent. Youve always had a good heart. You are doing so Great in ur life I think. Youve come so far and im proud of you and I look up to all of what youve accomplished! Loveyou mama♡