Sunday, May 29, 2011

Life at home with Maddox + pics

When we were home with Maddox, life was literally perfect. I wish things could have stayed that way forever.

We went home on October 11th, 2010 after 1 month in the NICU.

Going home and being home was amazing. We went home on an apnea monitor which I loved.(so much peace of mind) The NICU nurses taught us how to put down the ng tube which terrified me. How could I stick a tube down my own little boy's nose and into his stomach?!! But we both quickly learned and it became a breeze. Max was on 5 different medications, the list grew longer as time went on. Here was our daily schedule.

9am- Ron got up and gave Max his morning meds (Actigal and Bi-cytra) through a bottle with expressed breastmilk. I got Peyton ready for daycare and then my teacher usually arrived at this time and we worked on home schooling until about 10 o'clock. I usually got about 1-2 lessons done a day. During and after my lessons were done my teacher would hold Maddox for a little bit, we would just talk and play and just enjoy him. He was so perfect and darling. He never cried. He was always happy and fun to be around. He was the perfect baby. He just sat there, appreciated life and just being home. He would flash us a smile here and there and just snuggle and play. He loved patty cake.

Then after my teacher left, Max and I would usually go lay back in bed, I would nurse him to sleep and we would nap in bed for another few hours. LIFE WAS GREAT! People often came and stopped by to see him here and there. We didn't take him out very many places because we didn't want him to get sick. Though we payed regular visits to both grandparents houses as they all adored him! The perfect baby, he loved cuddling with everyone! He never threw fits, just let us know when he wanted to eat! He was perfect.

 I never felt tired when caring for him. I some how effortlessly jumped out of bed at the slightest wimper of his. I never let him cry. He hardly would either. He would wake up usually about every 3-4 hours to eat. He would start to make noises and wake and I would attend to him the second I heard his voice. We would nurse back to sleep and SOMETIMES stay in bed. Unless I fell asleep nursing him, I would carefully place him back in his crib and he would usually stay asleep, or only make noises for a few seconds and drift back off. It was perfect.

I never realized how sleep deprived my body actually was. I never felt tired. I was always happy and joyful and just always so into my baby. I never felt any baby blues. I never felt fatigued. However, any time we went to a relatives house, I always found myself falling asleep on their couch as they played with Maddox LOL I didn't mean to, I guess my body really was tired but I was too joyed to even notice.

Bath time was one of our favorites! The first two bathes I gave Maddox at home were in his bath tub. Then I figured one day, heck why dont he just get in with me? So we took our first bath together and OMG we both loved it! It was the most content he ever was. He would just literally float in the water and just relax. We would snuggle, play and even eat in the bath. The only part he didn't like was the getting out part lol I routinely handed him over to daddy so I coudl finish up my bath. Max would cry for literally two seconds until daddy got home onto the towel spread out on the floor and covered him up in his bath towel. Daddy always had everything ready to go and set out to make that 3 step trip from the bathtub to the towel lol Then daddy would lotion him up and get him in his jammies. Daddy always picked out the silliest jammies!

At night we would all usually sit on the couch and watch tv. Daddy liked to play video games and Max LOVED to watch! He looked just as if he knew the game and knew what was going on LOL It was so cute!

Sometimes Max needed his own personal space. lol He would start to fuss for no reason when we soon found it was just because he wanted his own time in his bouncy chair. ^.^

We had lots of doctors appointments, at least a couple a week. But it was just life for us. We dealt with it. When I think back to the life we had with him at home, I can hardly remember the appointments. It was just life and our life was great. Max was the perfect baby boy and we loved every second with him. Everyone loved him. He will always have a very special, irreplaceable spot in everyones heart who held him...

Life was great with our little man. I just can't even believe it all happened so fast. We are broken and it gets so hard. Sometimes we don't know how we could possibly survive another day without our little boy. Somehow we do, and we get little signs from him here and there. I can't wait till we have this all again one day. I can't wait to hold my little man again <3

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update and Disbelief

1. I can't believe I got pregnant, and delivered such a flippin cute babe!

2. I can't believe I once had a sweet little boy in my arms, to snuggle, feed and love.

3. ^ Though it is hard to believe he ever was really here, it is even harder to believe he is really gone.

4. I can't believe I have made it this far.

Update on Me

All and all I am pretty miserable to say the least. My life is miserable with small specs of "OKAY" moments. I will never be fully happy. ever. Just okay. Bearable. Breathing. When I do have those "OKAY" moments, I enjoy them. I am not the grieving mother that feels guilty of her small moments of joy. I recognize them, and know that they are from the Lord and my Son.

-I have noticed I've been going from one extreme to the next. In my own head of course. Like just an hour ago I about posted my entire boutique collection for sale and just through it all away. Why? Because I decided my business cards had too much writing on them and I no longer like the cheesey name, "Brookie's Boutique" and I can't change it cause I have over 100 fans. LOL ugh I am so bi-polar.
I am going to keep moving forward with the boutique deal but silly moments like that I just feel like I might as well just give up cause it sounds stupid anyway. lol

-I still think about Maddox 24/7. Literally. Not always in depressed ways. Sometimes I think about how cute he is. Sometimes I think about how bad  I miss him. Sometimes I imagine the sensations of breastfeeding. Sometimes I just day dream about him being here, and how perfect life would be.

-Life would be absolutely perfect if he was just here. It really would. I wouldn't need anything else. He is all I need.

-My sister is due to have her baby soon. It isn't bothering me as much as it did at first. I still hate that everyone expects me to take care of her kid and be there for her, and that the main focus in our family right now is pregnancy, when it should be Maddox and supporting me through this time. I just can't wait to get away from it all. I need to focus on myself for once, and my little man.

-My sleeping schedule is still backwards. But I do know why. My body needs peace and quit. It needs alone time. Calmness. Which I can't get during the day. At night, there is no one around, and I can just relax, think, day dream about Maddox. I was just thinking the other day, and I really don't have any alone time at all. I really need it. I think I could get more accomplished during the day, if I was alone. It doesn't help that I live with some of the most negative people I have ever met. Seems like no one ever has anything nice to say or do.

-I passed all my GED tests. I find out tomorrow I think if I passed my essay, and then I'll officially have my GED. Then I really need to fill out my financial aid form tomorrow, so I can start college in the fall. I really can't wait! I think college will be waay different then high school. I think I will love it! Oh and I will also FINALLY have my permit in like two weeks lol I start drivers ed next week I think(WOW). so I can finally get that all situated and finally get on the road!

-I realized I have a constant fear of everyone dying. or anytime I see someone sleeping, I have to stand there for a few seconds and make sure they are breathing. With everyone. Ron, my mom, my siblings. I also have a horrible feeling Ron is going to die. He does too. Which I have been right about this feeling before.With my moms boyfriend, I had been talking to my mom about having a feeling he was going to die a month before he actually did die. weird. and then my entire pregnancy with Maddox I obsessed over SIDS, I just knew my baby woudl be the one to die from SIDS, so I did everything I could to learn and prevent it from happening. Little did I know he would die anyway from a heart condition.

-A few days after bringing Maddox home for the first time from the NICU, we were visiting his grandparents house. Shortly after arriving, his grandmother said, "Now can you ever imagine life without him? Now that he's here?" Smiling, just emphasizing how precious his life was. I thought about it, and I really couldn't. I tried to imagine how life was before him, and I couldn't. Little did I know, we'd all be living life without him, in a matter of months...

-Life is going by really fast it seems. I have already lived more life wihtout him then when he was here. I hate it. But it seemed to fly by. Which is great cause to be honest I really just want to get this life over with. Sometimes I think it;s just easier to die. But I am too afraid. SO I live, trying to do anything meaningful before I die, in my sons name. It's really all I have left. Sometimes I can't even believe I am still alive. My master plan failed. The week before Maddox died, I planned to say I was going to the bathroom, the second they pronounced him dead and jump from the hospital balcony. A. I don't know what I was thinking cause it was only two stories high lol B. why wouldnt I just take his bottle of meds which was stop my heart? Anyway, I just really don't know what I was thinking that week, and then some how I became totally numb and just didn't die. There was too much family around anyway. I guess I am semi-thankful to be alive. I enjoy little miss Peyton and sharing Max's story. Thats pretty much it...

-It is 3am and I have lots of errands to run tomorrow. Should prob get to bed. I haven't blogged in a long time so this was just a quick update. <3