Thursday, May 26, 2011

Update and Disbelief

1. I can't believe I got pregnant, and delivered such a flippin cute babe!

2. I can't believe I once had a sweet little boy in my arms, to snuggle, feed and love.

3. ^ Though it is hard to believe he ever was really here, it is even harder to believe he is really gone.

4. I can't believe I have made it this far.

Update on Me

All and all I am pretty miserable to say the least. My life is miserable with small specs of "OKAY" moments. I will never be fully happy. ever. Just okay. Bearable. Breathing. When I do have those "OKAY" moments, I enjoy them. I am not the grieving mother that feels guilty of her small moments of joy. I recognize them, and know that they are from the Lord and my Son.

-I have noticed I've been going from one extreme to the next. In my own head of course. Like just an hour ago I about posted my entire boutique collection for sale and just through it all away. Why? Because I decided my business cards had too much writing on them and I no longer like the cheesey name, "Brookie's Boutique" and I can't change it cause I have over 100 fans. LOL ugh I am so bi-polar.
I am going to keep moving forward with the boutique deal but silly moments like that I just feel like I might as well just give up cause it sounds stupid anyway. lol

-I still think about Maddox 24/7. Literally. Not always in depressed ways. Sometimes I think about how cute he is. Sometimes I think about how bad  I miss him. Sometimes I imagine the sensations of breastfeeding. Sometimes I just day dream about him being here, and how perfect life would be.

-Life would be absolutely perfect if he was just here. It really would. I wouldn't need anything else. He is all I need.

-My sister is due to have her baby soon. It isn't bothering me as much as it did at first. I still hate that everyone expects me to take care of her kid and be there for her, and that the main focus in our family right now is pregnancy, when it should be Maddox and supporting me through this time. I just can't wait to get away from it all. I need to focus on myself for once, and my little man.

-My sleeping schedule is still backwards. But I do know why. My body needs peace and quit. It needs alone time. Calmness. Which I can't get during the day. At night, there is no one around, and I can just relax, think, day dream about Maddox. I was just thinking the other day, and I really don't have any alone time at all. I really need it. I think I could get more accomplished during the day, if I was alone. It doesn't help that I live with some of the most negative people I have ever met. Seems like no one ever has anything nice to say or do.

-I passed all my GED tests. I find out tomorrow I think if I passed my essay, and then I'll officially have my GED. Then I really need to fill out my financial aid form tomorrow, so I can start college in the fall. I really can't wait! I think college will be waay different then high school. I think I will love it! Oh and I will also FINALLY have my permit in like two weeks lol I start drivers ed next week I think(WOW). so I can finally get that all situated and finally get on the road!

-I realized I have a constant fear of everyone dying. or anytime I see someone sleeping, I have to stand there for a few seconds and make sure they are breathing. With everyone. Ron, my mom, my siblings. I also have a horrible feeling Ron is going to die. He does too. Which I have been right about this feeling before.With my moms boyfriend, I had been talking to my mom about having a feeling he was going to die a month before he actually did die. weird. and then my entire pregnancy with Maddox I obsessed over SIDS, I just knew my baby woudl be the one to die from SIDS, so I did everything I could to learn and prevent it from happening. Little did I know he would die anyway from a heart condition.

-A few days after bringing Maddox home for the first time from the NICU, we were visiting his grandparents house. Shortly after arriving, his grandmother said, "Now can you ever imagine life without him? Now that he's here?" Smiling, just emphasizing how precious his life was. I thought about it, and I really couldn't. I tried to imagine how life was before him, and I couldn't. Little did I know, we'd all be living life without him, in a matter of months...

-Life is going by really fast it seems. I have already lived more life wihtout him then when he was here. I hate it. But it seemed to fly by. Which is great cause to be honest I really just want to get this life over with. Sometimes I think it;s just easier to die. But I am too afraid. SO I live, trying to do anything meaningful before I die, in my sons name. It's really all I have left. Sometimes I can't even believe I am still alive. My master plan failed. The week before Maddox died, I planned to say I was going to the bathroom, the second they pronounced him dead and jump from the hospital balcony. A. I don't know what I was thinking cause it was only two stories high lol B. why wouldnt I just take his bottle of meds which was stop my heart? Anyway, I just really don't know what I was thinking that week, and then some how I became totally numb and just didn't die. There was too much family around anyway. I guess I am semi-thankful to be alive. I enjoy little miss Peyton and sharing Max's story. Thats pretty much it...

-It is 3am and I have lots of errands to run tomorrow. Should prob get to bed. I haven't blogged in a long time so this was just a quick update. <3


  1. When Jack passed I had the same idea about finding some way out. We were always on the bottom floor and always had a nurse there too. I thought when he passed I would just automatically die too but that didnt happen, I realize now that we just dont have a choice but to go on and who will remember our chilren if we dont.Sorry to hear your family isnt supportive I went throught that too and cut them out of my life

  2. Michelle I wish I could just cut them out. I am too young to fully cut them out right now. Once I am financially stable and able to move out and go to college, I think I wouldn't have a problem doing that at all. This morning they were horrible to me. They just expect me to be okay and move on and clean their house and do whatever they say. I just cant. Idk why I just cant. I think I really hate them. I can't wait until I can just never talk to them again, to be honest.

  3. Just keep looking toward the future you are amazingly focused and smart