Saturday, December 25, 2010

christmas eve/christmas day

It seems like I have been waiting forever for my family to get here tonight. I love when my family is here, especially my 2 year old little sister Peyton, or as I call her, "Lu Lu". hehe. Lu and I have a very special bond. I took care of her a lot and ever since Maddox came we havent got to be together very much. I felt very guilty about it because we were so close. She always knows how to make me smile. When Max got transferred to the NICU and we were up there for a month, Lu started misbehaving and acting out. I think it was because she missed me. Anway, I love that little girl to death. I miss her every day. Thinking about her makes me cry. Sometimes I feel like she is my daughter too. I love her like one, thats for damn sure.
Anyway, we decorated little guys room all nice. Its starting to get a little crowded though. I like having stuffed animals at the end of his crib. It makes me feel like they are watching over him while I go eat or sleep. He gets to wear his cute little Santa suit tomorrow! I am so excited, he is gonna look SOOO cute. I cant wait to open presents either. Hes got a TON of presents to open tomorrow too.

I was in a good mood all day until around 5pm. I havent really been thinking bad things and Ron and I were getting along for the most part until later. I wish I had somebody supportive around all the time. I havent been in love in so long and I just miss it. I know all I should be worrying about is my son right now, and I am but sometimes I wish there was someone who could make me laugh, hold me, kiss me, and just protect me. Not break me down. I forgot what true love feels like. The only true love I know is for my son and my family. Dont get me wrong, its not like I am saying that they arent enough, I just want a lover. Maybe if my baby boy could wake up I wouldnt feel this way. I know I wouldnt feel this way. For those two days Ron wasnt around and it was just me and my little guy at home, I was perfectly content. I didnt think about needing a man at all. me and him just played all day long together, loving every second of each other. I love my little guy so much. I am like bawling right now. I miss my little mans personality and his smell. Its hurting me really bad right now. My face hurts. Its like killing me but hopefully if everything goes well next week we will be home by February. HOME. That sounds amazing. My little boy will be awake and happy and playing. We will have the best couple of months ever...  (will continue later)
I had to stop this blog yesterday so now it is Christmas night. Maddox got TONS of presents. It hurt me really bad that he couldnt be awake and smiling at all of them but we will have to go over them all again when he gets better. I cant wait for him to start playing with them. He will love them all. Ron and I also got some really cool stuff. Its nice to know people care about us. We had fun with our families. My family is chaotic but its kind of a comforting chaos. Lu and I took a bath together this morning. Thats something I love to do with her and Max is play in the tub. Its kind of a bonding thing. When we were home I could never once get in the bath without Lu finding me and crawling in with me. As soon as she heard the water turn on, she would run upstairs and get in. I didnt mind though.
My siblings really bug me sometimes though. They are so ungrateful and can be real brats. It really pisses me off. We are so thankful for everything we have and to see them get upset because of something they got but didnt want makes me mad. They do this on a daily basis too. They are really spoiled and it just bugs me. They always have to have something. I think its cause we grew up having more than some but less than a lot. That still doesnt give them the right to act the way they do though. Thats why I want to parent so bad. I KNOW Id be a good one. Thats all I want. Ever since I was little Ive always wanted to be a mom. I know exactly how I want to parent and I know I will love it. I just hope Max makes it long enough to where I can parent him and show him things in life and to appreciate things. A lot of my parenting inspiration comes from my teacher. She is so great with her kids and I just really want to parent like her. Her kids are great and I want Maddox to grow up like them.
See, thats what I dont understand about God. Why take a child away from someone who is ready to be a parent? There are people who would rather party or who will mistreat or neglect their child, so why not save a child from that. Not STEAL a child who is in perfectly good hands, from a mother who loves him so so so so much. A mother who will love her child and show her child the right way best. A mother who would do ANYTHING for her child. I know I am young but I was beyond ready for my son. I did everything possible to educate myself. I did everything I was supposed to for my sons health. I enjoy every second with my son. I do everything thinking of him first. I can barely leave him for an hour without getting that overwhelming, painful feeling of missing him. Like just today at the Christmas dinner, we had to go over to the Ronald Mcdonald house to eat, and as I was making my plate of food, I had to go and sit back down because I just started bawling because I wanted him there so badly. There are moms in this PICU that go DAYS without coming to visit their children. So why take a child that is so ubelievable loved and NEEDED. I honestly do need my son. When I am not with him it physically hurts me. I say that all the time because it does. It hurts PHYSICALLY! My body aches for him. I just love my son so much and will never understand why he was chosen for this horrid disease. and I will forever be resentful. Sorry, but its inevitable, resentment...
Ron and I werent that bad today. We got along more towards the day. We put our differences aside to give Maddox the best Christmas we could. We even enjoyed eachother some parts of the day. Our relationship is so twisted. We cant stand eachother one minute, and then the next we are okay and laughing together. I dont think he truly understands me and my love for Maddox, but I know that he loves Maddox. He is a good dad and enjoys being one. We dont always get along but I will always know and say he loves his son, because he does...
Today I left dinner early because I was in a rush to see my baby boy. I was only away from him 20 minutes but I just felt this uncontrollable guilt for leaving his side at all on Christmas Day. I kissed him and then started tidying up his room. I seriously cleaned every cluttered corner out and made space for most of his stuffed animals, books, and toys. My mom got him this Beethoven CD so he now listens to it all the time. Classical music is supposed to make connections in the brain and can some how enhance intelligence. Since all he can really do is listen, this is a really good thing for him! He got SOO much cute stuff I dont even know where to begin. He was also dressed super cute! We couldnt get the car open to get his Santa suit we wanted him to wear but he had a few other cute ones so we put the one from our cousin Marcy on him and he still looked just as cute! He stunk up his Santa hat reaal good so now I can sleep with it and smell it all night. I have been waiting for him to stink something up with his old smell! I missed it SOO much. Makes me cry just thinking about it. Hospital linens make him smell completely different.
The day of his surgery is getting closer and closer. It will probably be Monday because the surgeon was talking with one of the other moms and told her that her sons surgery will probably be after another little boy in the PICUs. So she asked me if I had a baby in the PICU and I told her yes and that it was probably my son he was talking about. I am extremely nervous about it but I try to avoid the feelings. I am afraid something will not go right but I will not stress about it until they tell me something does not go right. It sickens my stomach to think about it but again, I am avoiding them well.

There is so much more to say, but to whoever is reading this, Merry Christmas to ALL and seriously THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH for the support, gifts, prayers, and love. We cant find the time to thank you all individually because there are just SO many people supporting us right now in every way but I do appreciate each and every one of you guys! We are EXTREMELY grateful for everyone out there for even just thinking about us! We are so blessed to have such awesome friends and family and we would really be lost without you all! Thanks again and Merry Christmas!

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