Sunday, March 20, 2011

Being A Mother

I miss it so much.
I will always be Max's momma, but I can't do motherly things with him.
I am shaking and my face is stiff and aching as I type this.
I look at pictures of me when Maddox was still here, I look so much more beautiful when I was a mother.
I was happy and motherly and with my son and everything was just perfect!
Doing everything for him was just amazing!
I miss breastfeeding so much.
It was our special time! I can't wait to breastfeed again!
I asked God to PLEASE give me breasts full of milk when I come home!
My breasts will forever be Maddox's. They are NOT to be sexualized in any form!
I miss him soooo badly :(
I looked so happy when I was with him. So COMPLETE!
Now you can always tell something is missing...
I loved doing everything for him.
I miss giving him his medications, snuggling him, getting up with him at night,
taking bathes together, playing patty cake, playing with him at 5 in the morning,
having lazy days where we just sleep and eat all day long!
UGHHH, nights like this I really just want to fastforward life or just die now so I can be with my baby again.
I can't even stand it right now :(


  1. "I look so much more beautiful when I was a mother."

    Brooke - You ARE a mother. You will always be one, please NEVER forget it. I know it is hard because our babies are not here with us, and we want them here so very badly.

    There are no words to comfort you in this situation, at least none that I have found work for me. Just know that I am here if you need anything, even just a sounding board to vent. HUGS...

  2. So many beautiful photos. He is a gorgeous little boy, and you will always be his momma.

    I know what you mean though. I miss breastfeeding, and cuddles, and talking back to my little guy when he would make fussy noises. Caring for and loving on him...

    I know there's nothing anyone can say to you, but I'm thinking of you, and so sorry you're having such a hard time right now.

  3. I read you comments in the past. Remeber you living life is not moving on or forgetting your baby. Eventually your grief and pain is all you feel. It will get hard to even feel the good love, memories and that feeling of being a mommy. It will be hard to feel love or joy that you had in the past with others. Its hard to see the future when you are in your present grief. I am someone 15 years out from loosing my angel. Don't get me wrong. I was a mess for about a year 1/2. I had to medicated which only softened the lows a bit. But realize that you know so much for being so young. you have figured out whats really important in life and most don't realize that until their 30's. Shutting yourself off and blocking your future with your grief is not going to help this pain. You will only loose out on precious time. You are maddox's only connection to this earth. He is in your heart forever. So now you have to look at it as he can only experience earth through you, your journey through life and the love you share with others. I had to look at my brief glimpse of having a baby as confirmation that I really wanted to be a mother and a good mother. So I had to work at getting myself right (better situation and educated). Maddox would not want you to now show the love that you have shown him to go to waste and not be shared with another special child when the time is right. His short time on earth and all you have learned from it should not be just wasted in mourning and your grief. I have two children now and actually feel closer to my angel through them. I look at he probably had a hand in picking out the best babies for me( someone shared this with me and it is a thought that still comforts me. Not many children get to pick their siblings. Don't get me wrong I would take having my first child over that. However through my children, I felt that love again and feel my connection to him is stronger. I get to be reminded everyday how that felt. They are my closest link besides death to him. By loving them and being a good mother to them, I am caring for the gifts that he helped choose. It actually made me feel more a connection to my first child. That mommy love and joy is not just a memory. Maddox would not want you to stop living life and be a zombie until death. At first it will be just going through motions. It will take everything to just get up and leave out the door. Right now the grief is your comfort. But slowly you will become more present in your life as you begin set up your future (which is also maddox's future now too)

  4. sorry didn't proof read very well

    Maddox would not want you to not ever show the love that you have shown him to go to waste and not be shared with another special child when the time is right.

    Your child was fortunate enough to meet the people who love you and you love for a very brief (too brief time) . My child wasn't given the opportunity to be loved by grandma. you have to look at trying to keep connected to those people who he loved (your family his daddy even when they annoy you and don't understand you )as a way of showing him love also. He wouldn't want you to be mean to those he loved. He would want you to feel love and love them back.

  5. I love the pictures you posted; they are so beautiful and each really capture a special moment :) My thoughts on what you're feeling is that there are many "types" of mothers... biological mothers, mothers who adopt babies, aunts or grandma's who become mothers of their sister or daughters child, Army moms, soccer moms, and angel baby mothers, among many others! All of those come with special circumstances, challenges, and ways to cope day to day. I know you will find that "place" where you are comfortable in your motherhood, where you can feel like a mommy again... you are so strong and smart and special.

  6. Hey I read this somewhere and just remembered it thought it might help you or at least for a project to distract yourself with. Someone who lost a child and was in severe grief started a 365 day photo project. (A project where you try to take just one photo a day and add it to those online photo albums or make one at home with just paper. That album /projectg served as a reminder of all the days that she made it through and also a trigger to remember what she was doing that day. I also remember a lot of the first year being a blur. She tried to take a picture of herself smiling, something beautiful, or just something that triggered her to think about something else besides her grief or or items that triggered memories of happy times or things that brought her comfort such as ice cream. sometimes it was just a picture of the calendar when she didn't feel like being creative as just proof she did it another day . It helped remind her that she has survived days that are bad in the past and a reminder of days that where good or moments she had fun or felt really good. But it was proof to her that she made it through one of the worse things in life and start to focus on finding things she liked or amused her for the moment. It also help her find her own interests again by seeing what activities she participated and like. (Her child had a lengthy illness and she felt like she didn't even know what was left of her or who she was anymore)