Being A Mother

I miss it so much.
I will always be Max's momma, but I can't do motherly things with him.
I am shaking and my face is stiff and aching as I type this.
I look at pictures of me when Maddox was still here, I look so much more beautiful when I was a mother.
I was happy and motherly and with my son and everything was just perfect!
Doing everything for him was just amazing!
I miss breastfeeding so much.
It was our special time! I can't wait to breastfeed again!
I asked God to PLEASE give me breasts full of milk when I come home!
My breasts will forever be Maddox's. They are NOT to be sexualized in any form!
I miss him soooo badly :(
I looked so happy when I was with him. So COMPLETE!
Now you can always tell something is missing...
I loved doing everything for him.
I miss giving him his medications, snuggling him, getting up with him at night,
taking bathes together, playing patty cake, playing with him at 5 in the morning,
having lazy days where we just sleep and eat all day long!
UGHHH, nights like this I really just want to fastforward life or just die now so I can be with my baby again.
I can't even stand it right now :(

Now and Regrets

Now, when I lay in bed, I recognize each breath that I take, the beat of my heart, and all the other functions of my body.

It's so simple, I effortlessly stay alive, my body works, I dont know how, it just does...

I took this for granted so much.

I hate that I couldn't provide Max with a body that just WORKS!
I know he was given this body for a reason, and I love his little body soo soo much!
But I just wish he could be here!
I can barely stand it anymore.
Today was actually really good,
but then when it comes time to sleep, and everyone else is dreaming,
I think think think think and miss miss miss miss my son!!!!!!
I have the biggest lump in my throat and ache in my jaw.
Times like this is where it seems so right to just end it all.
So easily, it could all be over!
How can I NOT be tempted?


Ron is moving out this weekend.
My mom and dad decided this because they dont want to get introuble for housing a 18 who dates their 16 year old.
I understand I guess but we arent even sexually active and he is my biggest support and he takes care of the house and kids for me when I cant.
and sometimes I really CANT!
He is such a big help and support to me. He really does understand and its going to be so hard without him.
He takes care of me and the kids! Idk what I am going to do.
When I am suicidal, he will not leave me!
He would be there in a second if I do get thoughts when hes gone, but I just don't know how I will be able to take care of myself without him.
We'll see how it goes :/


Lately I have been having so many regrets!!!

Mostly about the night Maddox passed.
I reaalllly wanted to take a bath with him!
For some reason I held everything I was thinking in.
For example when we left him, I wanted to go back,
I knew I wasnt ready to leave him, but I knew I needed to leave now or I'd never leave him.
It had only been 6 hours or so!
I dont know why I ever left!
I could have stayed with him waaaay longer!
and I wanted to take one last bath with him and snuggle more and have some alone time with him!
I dont know why I didnt! I regret it so much!

When we buried him, when we set his casket on top of the thing that takes him down into the ground,
I really wanted to open his casket and just give him a single last kiss!
Instead I kissed his casket a bunch of times but I wanted to kiss him!

After he passed, I wanted to take him outside.
It was freezing cold outside but I wanted to wrap him in blankeys and just show him the snow and just snuggle him outside.
It was a beautiful night, it was just cold.
Why didnt I do this?!

At his funeral, I wanted to see his scars, from the autopsy. Every time I went to tug his shirt away from his neck to see them, I stopped. I knew I didnt want to see the incision but I did want to.
I wanted to kiss the scars. I wanted to hold him too.
I also wanted to look at his feet but I didnt. I dont know why. I was afraid they didnt put make up on them or something and they'd look brown or something. I wanted to give his little toes one last kiss!
WHY!

 I know I was not thinking clearly at this time, but I cant help but replay in my head how I wished that night would have gone!
It would have gone so much differently if I could go back!
I know I will never be able to go back, but I cant help but think about it.
When will these regrets and thoughts go away?
I pray about it sometimes, maybe I need to more.
Cause they hurt! I feel like I did not do everything I needed to to have closure!

Another thing that keeps popping into me head,
is not getting a second opinion fast enough.
I cant believe we didnt take him to other places.
What if there is something they could have done?
I also fear that when they get the autopsy report, they will tell me that his valves were bigger than they thought and that he could have survived surgery.
OMG if they told me that I would seriously go find Doctor Bobbi and Doctor T and kill them all.
I am so scared for this report, I am going to call Monday. Its been 2 months they really need to have it.


Oh and on the burial vs cremation thing, I think I decided to keep him buried,
but who knows with my mind.
It changes every day.
Ugh I miss my little guy,
when will this ever get easier and when can I be with him!! pleassseee!

CONFUSION!

So now I really don't know what I want to do!!!

PROS OF CREMATION 

• I get to see Max, he is always with me physically 
• I get to take him places 
• I can talk to him directly sort of
• I know where he is
• It will be comforting having him home
• He will get to be covered in his blankey and comfortable in his crib 
• I could donate the grave lot to the next family who needs it
• I could donate his casket to the next family who needs it 
• I will get to make a necklace of him

CONS OF CREMATION

• I might have to face seeing him again
• I might go crazy
• I might take him everywhere I go
• I could get confused with who he really is
• I might not like the idea of his body burning

PROS OF BURIAL

•  He's already buried
•  I get to decorate the grave
• I have a place to visit him
• There is a lot of space to have a picnik by his grave
• The grave site is by the park and river

CONS OF BURIAL

• I don't know if his body is safe (grave robberies and such)
• I don't like the idea of his body decomposing
• I don't like that the things I put on his grave could get stolen
• I want the things that are in his casket back
• I have bad mental images of what he looks like now in the casket
• He is in the town over
• I dont know if he is safe, I feel like he is alone over there
• I feel guilty if I go to Sterling and don't visit him
• I cant decorate the grave how I want to 
• I feel so far apart from him and I just want him now

My Purpose

It means I have to live.
It means that there is something I am supposed to do.
God gave me my son and taught me all these life lessons,
He took my son and taught me even more.
He did not put me through all of this just for me to die too.
This I hate.
God gave me a purpose, I did not ask for such.
God gave me a purpose that I could not decline.
Every day, I feel like throwing it all away, hoping He will forgive me and just hand me my sweet boy again!
I look at pictures of my baby boy, I miss him so badly, the pain is so real, unbearable!
I miss every little detail about him,
I don't know why God thought I could handle this because some days I don't think I can!
Why He is putting me through such pain and misery I do not understand,
this life seems so long, but I forget it is so short.
Knowing that my baby boy could possibly be so close!
Locked in the bathroom, eyes on what I THINK could POSSIBLY be the path to my precious child!!!!
How do you not just end it all today and pray so hard that God may forgive you for ending your life,
and to just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just let me walk with my baby boy in my arms!
Will God forgive me? I know he gave me things to do, but maybe if I just beg for forgiveness before hand,
he will have mercy on me, because this pain is just too much and I just could not bare it any longer!
God says he does not give us anything we could not handle but sometimes I feel as though he does not understand!
I know he does, but this pain is just too great!
I am sorry but this life does not feel like a gift anymore!
When you are given a gift and then it has been taken back!
A tease ever so painful!
The will to live went with him, when God took my gift back...
My stomach is sick, my body is bruised, my heart is broken.
My face is swollen, my eyes are dry, my baby is gone...
Heaven is beautiful,
I try to imagine,
I want to be there,
I pray that God accepts me into his Kingdom,
even though he did not choose for me to go there,
maybe he will see me banging on Heavens gates,
see my pain and hurt and just let me in!
but maybe he will see my pain, but send me back here to go on!
or maybe he will give me a peak of my baby boy and then send me back. just so I know he will be waiting for me!
and then maybe, God will even turn me away, let me die, but not be with my baby...
This uncertainty is keeping me alive,
I just want to be free and happily ever after with my baby boy!
I know I will have this some day,
but it can not come fast enough </3