Saturday, March 5, 2011

My Purpose

It means I have to live.
It means that there is something I am supposed to do.
God gave me my son and taught me all these life lessons,
He took my son and taught me even more.
He did not put me through all of this just for me to die too.
This I hate.
God gave me a purpose, I did not ask for such.
God gave me a purpose that I could not decline.
Every day, I feel like throwing it all away, hoping He will forgive me and just hand me my sweet boy again!
I look at pictures of my baby boy, I miss him so badly, the pain is so real, unbearable!
I miss every little detail about him,
I don't know why God thought I could handle this because some days I don't think I can!
Why He is putting me through such pain and misery I do not understand,
this life seems so long, but I forget it is so short.
Knowing that my baby boy could possibly be so close!
Locked in the bathroom, eyes on what I THINK could POSSIBLY be the path to my precious child!!!!
How do you not just end it all today and pray so hard that God may forgive you for ending your life,
and to just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE just let me walk with my baby boy in my arms!
Will God forgive me? I know he gave me things to do, but maybe if I just beg for forgiveness before hand,
he will have mercy on me, because this pain is just too much and I just could not bare it any longer!
God says he does not give us anything we could not handle but sometimes I feel as though he does not understand!
I know he does, but this pain is just too great!
I am sorry but this life does not feel like a gift anymore!
When you are given a gift and then it has been taken back!
A tease ever so painful!
The will to live went with him, when God took my gift back...
My stomach is sick, my body is bruised, my heart is broken.
My face is swollen, my eyes are dry, my baby is gone...
Heaven is beautiful,
I try to imagine,
I want to be there,
I pray that God accepts me into his Kingdom,
even though he did not choose for me to go there,
maybe he will see me banging on Heavens gates,
see my pain and hurt and just let me in!
but maybe he will see my pain, but send me back here to go on!
or maybe he will give me a peak of my baby boy and then send me back. just so I know he will be waiting for me!
and then maybe, God will even turn me away, let me die, but not be with my baby...
This uncertainty is keeping me alive,
I just want to be free and happily ever after with my baby boy!
I know I will have this some day,
but it can not come fast enough </3


  1. (hug). I don't understand why we were chosen to walk this path, and I don't understand my lesson either. I'd rather not know my purpose, and blindly live life with a gorgeous little boy in it, you know? I'd rather do nothing on Earth, and live a blissfully ignorant life...

    I have to believe you will hold him one day.

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  3. Brooke,
    I try to think of all the loved ones that I have lost, that are taking care of my child until I can be with him again. I lost my cousin in Nov and asked him to check in on my baby. I picture him in my grandpa's lap listening to the stories I grew up listening, that is the only piece I have found. I lost my first child 5 years ago Easter Sunday, God has given me 2 precious children since then. They dont and cant take his place but they have made their own and I am truely grateful, more so than I think I would have been for these 2 souls he has entrusted me with now. I pray that he lets them out live me, even if that means today is all I have and that some day he lets me hold my other baby. I pray things get easier for you. I know looking at the pictures, Maddox was beautiful!

  4. I found this quote from Mother Teresa:
    "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
    As I deal with the immense pain of losing our darling Monica at 38 weeks, I try to remember that I CAN handle it...if only for the next

  5. Sweet girl, You don't know me. I found you on a post in the AGS fb pg....I think your mom posted this blog address there. I lost my little girl to AGS last year, Hannah was 6 weeks old when she passed. There are a lot of things that you go through...lost of emotions I see you putting out here (many more you keep to yourself for obvious reasons) can contact me anytime. The Lord has been helping us through this, just as I know He is you. Would it seem strange for me to tell you that there is a purpose for your pain. There's a reason....there are others out there in the world that have lost children (which is the MOST PAINFUL loss relationship-wise that a person can endure)...God wants to use you mightily. Anyhow...I'm here if you need to talk. You can find me on fb @ Lord bless you! <3