Saturday, March 12, 2011

Now and Regrets

Now, when I lay in bed, I recognize each breath that I take, the beat of my heart, and all the other functions of my body.

It's so simple, I effortlessly stay alive, my body works, I dont know how, it just does...

I took this for granted so much.

I hate that I couldn't provide Max with a body that just WORKS!
I know he was given this body for a reason, and I love his little body soo soo much!
But I just wish he could be here!
I can barely stand it anymore.
Today was actually really good,
but then when it comes time to sleep, and everyone else is dreaming,
I think think think think and miss miss miss miss my son!!!!!!
I have the biggest lump in my throat and ache in my jaw.
Times like this is where it seems so right to just end it all.
So easily, it could all be over!
How can I NOT be tempted?

Ron is moving out this weekend.
My mom and dad decided this because they dont want to get introuble for housing a 18 who dates their 16 year old.
I understand I guess but we arent even sexually active and he is my biggest support and he takes care of the house and kids for me when I cant.
and sometimes I really CANT!
He is such a big help and support to me. He really does understand and its going to be so hard without him.
He takes care of me and the kids! Idk what I am going to do.
When I am suicidal, he will not leave me!
He would be there in a second if I do get thoughts when hes gone, but I just don't know how I will be able to take care of myself without him.
We'll see how it goes :/

Lately I have been having so many regrets!!!

Mostly about the night Maddox passed.
I reaalllly wanted to take a bath with him!
For some reason I held everything I was thinking in.
For example when we left him, I wanted to go back,
I knew I wasnt ready to leave him, but I knew I needed to leave now or I'd never leave him.
It had only been 6 hours or so!
I dont know why I ever left!
I could have stayed with him waaaay longer!
and I wanted to take one last bath with him and snuggle more and have some alone time with him!
I dont know why I didnt! I regret it so much!

When we buried him, when we set his casket on top of the thing that takes him down into the ground,
I really wanted to open his casket and just give him a single last kiss!
Instead I kissed his casket a bunch of times but I wanted to kiss him!

After he passed, I wanted to take him outside.
It was freezing cold outside but I wanted to wrap him in blankeys and just show him the snow and just snuggle him outside.
It was a beautiful night, it was just cold.
Why didnt I do this?!

At his funeral, I wanted to see his scars, from the autopsy. Every time I went to tug his shirt away from his neck to see them, I stopped. I knew I didnt want to see the incision but I did want to.
I wanted to kiss the scars. I wanted to hold him too.
I also wanted to look at his feet but I didnt. I dont know why. I was afraid they didnt put make up on them or something and they'd look brown or something. I wanted to give his little toes one last kiss!

 I know I was not thinking clearly at this time, but I cant help but replay in my head how I wished that night would have gone!
It would have gone so much differently if I could go back!
I know I will never be able to go back, but I cant help but think about it.
When will these regrets and thoughts go away?
I pray about it sometimes, maybe I need to more.
Cause they hurt! I feel like I did not do everything I needed to to have closure!

Another thing that keeps popping into me head,
is not getting a second opinion fast enough.
I cant believe we didnt take him to other places.
What if there is something they could have done?
I also fear that when they get the autopsy report, they will tell me that his valves were bigger than they thought and that he could have survived surgery.
OMG if they told me that I would seriously go find Doctor Bobbi and Doctor T and kill them all.
I am so scared for this report, I am going to call Monday. Its been 2 months they really need to have it.

Oh and on the burial vs cremation thing, I think I decided to keep him buried,
but who knows with my mind.
It changes every day.
Ugh I miss my little guy,
when will this ever get easier and when can I be with him!! pleassseee!

1 comment:

  1. Brooke, there are so many of us out here, reading and feeling your bleeding heart... I don't know what the answer is to such grief, but hang in there- all I DO know, with my Trisomy 18 daughter (13 mths and, amazingly, still ok), is that time does, amazingly, dull the pain somewhat... NOT makes it ever go away, but makes it manageable. I haven't lost a living baby (4 miscarriages), but every day, a part of us is just waiting for the inevitable with our fragile little one, no matter how much we enrich our precious time together... Your voice is too special, too important- people you have never met need you more than you can believe! My thoughts are with you xxx