feelings lately

So I am pretty sure I will be able to do it Sunday. It still doesnt seem real to me. I am surprised I am not spending all my time at his bed side. I thought I would be but its so hard to just stand there and look at him and its depressing when you try to play and laugh with him with no response. I am always in his room just not standing by him. I read him his entire collection of story books. I will ask to hold him after I finish this blog. I want to see if I can somehow get in his crib lol Sounds silly but I could totally fit. Thats all I want to do, is snuggle and sleep with him. When he was at home with us, we were against co-sleeping but would sometimes sneak a nap or two during the day with him. I wasnt that much of a freak about it because of his apnea monitor. I remember one time I took a nap with him though and I woke up and I had pulled the covers over his head on accident, so from that point on he did not lay in the bed with us ever again to sleep. He was fine but it just scared me lol. I keep trying to think of good memories of him. Funny ones. Is it just me or is he the cutest little guy in the world? I honestly think so. I think every mom thinks that about their babe though haha.

My feelings are so out of control right now. It is really taking a toll on me physically. I cant sleep, I barely eat, I am losing a lot of hair and I am really weak and lazy. One minute I am kind of peaceful with the idea of Maddox going to a better place, and the next there is no possible way I can handle it and I want to die.

Before I knew Maddoxs problems were so severe, I had heard of stories and known people that have lost a child, and I always thought, there is no possible way I could deal with that. I would always think to myself, how are they going on? How are they not sobbing every single day? How are they having more children? How do they go on at all? Now that it is me, you realize you just dont have a choice. You cant just cry all the time and you cant just look at the down side of it or you WILL DIE. If I didnt believe in God and Heaven I would be dead right now. But I do and I am still here and I know that I have to keep on going. I will never move on and I will NEVER be the same.

Thinking about the future helps so much. I want to be the nurse that knows exactly what people are going through because I do. I am determined to work in an intensive care unit in a childrens hospital. Ive made every single decision a parent with a sick child would ever have to make. I know exactly how it is and exactly what a parent wants in a nurse and hopefully what a patient would want too. I hate the type of nurses that go in, do their job and get out. I am going to be the nurse that goes that extra mile and not only offers medical care but emotional support because I know exactly how it is. I want to help other parents through the grieving process because helping other people helps me too. I just cant wait to do good for myself and make Max proud of me.

I have found how to ignore the question "why" in my head. I have decided I am not going to dwell over "why did this happen to us" and I am just going to accept it. Things happen to good people. I hate to call this a bad thing. It is and isnt. I dont like to think of it as such a horrible tragedy. It is somewhat of a tragedy but there is a bright side to it. Maddox will not suffer any longer. Why did he have to suffer in the first place? Well thats where my avoiding the "why" question roll comes in. There is no answer. He must have just been too beautiful for this cold world. I created such a special little guy that was needed in Heaven immediately. I am thankful for the time I got with him and I am sort of accepting that it is now his time to go. Its so important for me to remember that this is not the end for us. The one thing that bothers me most though, is that I would have raised him right. I knew exactly how I wanted to parent and I think he would have turned out to be such a good man. He will be my little guy forever now and thats okay too. I am just sad that I wont be able to see how smart I taught him to be or how respectful, gentle, and just how to be a good person. I put so much thought into how I wanted to parent and the kind of mother I would be. I dont understand why someone who actually cares has to suffer. Verses saving a child from someone who doesnt care.Thats when I block those thoughts out because they just piss me off. It makes me question my faith so I just dont think about them. God works in mysterious ways, but I have to remember that the end is what matters and that in the end, everything is perfect if you do it right and that we will all be together again. Without the hardships of life.

Also, fyi to anyone who reads this, it bothers me when people say this is so completely horrible and that you are so sorry and that its so unfair and all that. It helps me when you say positive things like he will be in a better place and things like that. When I see my family get sad and break down, it makes me break down. When I see my family under control and thinking positive, it makes me think positive. Just a tip for those who are confused about what to say or do around me. Also, I hope no one expects me to be sad and sobbing all the time and I dont want anyone to feel like they are walking on egg shells around me and I dont want anyone to avoid the subject of Maddox. I want to talk about him openly. We dont always have to talk about him but I dont want to avoid it either. I also dont want every conversation we have to be sad or like I am suffering. I want to have normal conversations. I want to try to live a normal life and have normal relationships. By this I dont mean I want to forget about Max or anything like that at all, I mean I dont want my life to seem completely sad. The only sad thing is that we all will miss him. Thats it. So please dont make it awkward. I am still a person. I am devastated yes and emotionally critical yes, but I still want to have somewhat normal things in life and fun I guess. It will be hard but I need your guys help!