Friday, January 21, 2011

A Step Back

Resentment that has been put to the side for a while is starting to surface.

People who wished bad things upon me and Maddox.
People who were jealous of me and Maddox.
People who doubted I would be a good parent to Maddox.
People who wanted me to abort Maddox.
People who said mean things about Maddox.
People who said mean things to me for being pregnant with Maddox.
People who dont take care of their own children.
People who are uneducated about how to care for their children.
People who do horrible things around their children.
People who abort their children.
People who dont appreciate their children.
People who do not choose whats best for their children because of their own selfishness.
People who dont appreciate things in life itself.
People who make a big deal out of stupid little things.

These things have all bothered me before, but it was sparked back up due to my facebook friends and TV and just being around my family with children.

Is this normal? I feel like I am taking a step back. I dont want to be the hopeless, angry, grieving mother but these feelings are inevitable almost.

I dont want everyone to feel sorry for me or anything. Maybe I do. I dont know. I wish I could explain this.
Its almost like I expect everyone to learn from me and to automatically appreciate everything and treat their kids better and do all these things. I dont want to be angry at the world. But everything irritates me! Today was pretty much a good day. But this past week has been bad! Like the way people in my family handle their children and their lack of care for them or the things they arent supposed to do and I see them do.

I think I am just feeling sorry for myself or something because I worked so hard to educate myself for 9+ months for Maddox. I know for a fact I researched every decision I would ever have to make for Maddox to make sure it was the best one.  More than anyone I know. I dont understand why God saw me do all these things and prepare for my son so thoroughly and then have him taken from me, when there are children out there whos mothers did not prepare themselves like I did. But the one mother who puts this kind of time, effort and thought into her parenting, gets her child taken? I dont understand. I know I am not supposed to understand but youd think he would work a little differently in behalf of the children. I wanted to parent so badly. I guess that is why I am so short tempered with the people I described above. I would never wish child loss upon anyone. EVER. It is THE hardest thing anyone could ever possibly go through. Especially at times like this. Every choice I made for Maddox was carefully thought out, looked into, and with love. Not every mother does that, but I feel like I went above and beyond for it to just blow off in my face.

Okay, Ill admit it, I am feeling sorry for myself. Its just that stupid 16 and Pregnant page always sets me off lol. I think I am going to quit going to it. Some of the girls on there are just SO ignorant and irritating. Along with a lot of people in my family and on my news feed. I guess I will pray about it tonight. Thats all I can really think of doing. Its so hard though. I thought I was doing so well. I guess I was just pushing these feelings to the side for too long. It feels good to get them out though.

Dear Maddox, Max, Madd, Big guy, Big man, Little guy, Buddy, Bubbaz, Baby boy, Sunshine, Sweet boy,

I love you so much little guy! and miss you BAD! I regret sleeping in till noon the day you passed. I regret not spending every second with you, no matter how much it depressed me to see you sleep all the time. I just wish I had one more day. One more HOUR EVEN! I would do anything. I miss your smell, your feel, you sound, your warmth, sweat, breath, everything! Theres not a single thing I dont miss about you. If I could have you back I would let you poop on me all you want, keep me up as long as you want, sweat on me all you want, anything, and I would not complain once! You were such a good baby anyway bubbaz! You still are! Youre such a content little guy. You appreciated just being home and were fine with just that. I remember the one time you were fussy it was all mommas fault. I gave you too much of your antibiotic and I freaked out! I called poison control and they said you would be fine but you would have a little tummy ache! Thats why you were fussy that night! Im so sorry! I am such an idiot for doing that to you big guy! Im sorry! Thankfully it was just an antibiotic though! Momma def learned from that one! Thank you for not bein mad at me big guy! Momma misses taking bathes with you so much! Its not the same without you! I remember I would start the water, get in, and then have daddy give you to me. Then daddy would watch us play for a little bit, and you would be so relaxed! You loved really warm water just like momma! We would just cuddle, play and even EAT in the tub! Then I would wash you up and give you to dada and he would dry you off and lotion you up while I hurried and got washed and out. Then dada and I would pick out your clothes together and dress you up all sweet and cuddle for the rest of the night. You were a night owl with us most of the time and then slept all day too! lol. I miss that! I never thought you would really be gone. This soon anyway. I knew I was going to have to face this at one point in life but not now. I thought I was going to be able to take you to the beach and Disney land and do all these great things with you. We will do them one day I promise. But for now, I love watching you play with aunt Peypey, I love when I can feel you here. I think I feel you right now because I feel warm, safe and some what whole. When you arent here, I can tell, because thats when I feel like breaking and empty. Its weird because it seems like you are here all throughout the day except at one point in the morning, once in the afternoon and once at night. Sounds to me like you go back to Heaven for breakfast, lunch, and dinner LOL Aunt Peypey notices that too. Anyway, Ill go now cause every time I try to talk to you at night I feel bad cause I figure you are sleeping or something so I am sorry little guy, if you can hear me talking to you in my thoughts lol. I love you baby boy and miss you SOOO much bubbaz <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO


  1. Maybe you were meant to teach a parenting class or be a social worker so that you could make sure other people treat their kids right?

    As far as 16 and pregnant and the teen mom shows, they purposely pick the moms with the most drama/messed up situations/those who appreciate their kids the least. I don't know if its to discourage highschoolers from getting pregnant or just to generate ratings but thats how it's always going to be. Try not to let them get you down. Now, people around you, that's a bit trickier...

  2. I go to the 16 & pregnant chat too, and I know what you mean. You hear the way people talk about the girls, other people, or make fun of others on the chat and it makes me soo mad! They are ignorant and stupid. You have been through so much, too much, and I think you are strong and mature beyond your years. No one can really understand what you're going through until they've been there, and while I would never with such a thing on anyone, I think they should shut up unless they've been there and have a right to be critical. Reading your blog has been very sad, but also inspirational to me. I want to have kids of my own someday, hopefully soon, and I hope I'll be a great mom, too. The worst thing I can imagine is losing a child and thinking about it is horrible. I pray that should I ever have to endure something even close to what you're going through that I can come back here and read what you wrote and take strength from that. I admire you so much! God bless!

  3. On there's a group called miscarriage, stillbirth & infant loss support. Maybe that's something that could help you through this.