Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Lovely Discernment

The service went very well. I did not react how I thought. I effortlessly remained calm, and only teared up once during the funeral. He looked beautiful. Like a little doll. He was very cold and hard as expected. However, his hand was very flexible and holdable which I enjoyed. I also told the funeral home to make him smell like baby lotion, and I even sent a little tube of Baby Magic lotion with his little outfit. He did not smell like Baby Magic. He smelled like clay. That kind of bugged me but the whole thing really made me realize the difference between the body and the soul. A load of people came and it was just really nice. We had tons of support and everything went smoothly. We buried him with all the stuffed animals that could fit in his tiny casket and a few relatives sent him with necklaces. He had the most precious white christening outfit on and he just looked like a little angel. Everything pretty much went as planned. Seen quite a few friends and family that I have not seen in ages so that was nice.

The hardest part was to leave his casket so they could close it and carry him to the hearse. I gave him a ton of kisses, read him "Little Bear Hugs" and tucked him in good. We buried him a part of the cemetery called Baby Land. We had a huge line of cars driving to the cemetery. The burial was quick and we all took a few flowers from his spray. (I looked up some cool ways to preserve them so I need to get on that before they die.) I kept kissing his coffin. I had to hurry  up and leave because I really wanted them to open it one last time while we were out there. But I managed to leave and we went to Rons grandparents' church where they held a lunch in for afterwards. It was very nice. Saw a ton of my family and my brand new neices and little cousins and it was just very nice. After that, I went home and took a 4 hour nap. I was so relieved to get it all over with.

I am truly doing okay. I am not really in any type of shock anymore and Ive really come to terms with it all. and I am actually okay with it. A few people mentioned how I will eventually one day let it all get to me and I will pretty much crash. This was mentioned because I was smiling a lot at the service. I am smiling because I honestly understand what death is. It is not so much a bad thing. Especially now that I know that he is still here.(which I will explain in a minute.) But it has hit me, and it was not bad. I look at death totally different now. Death sounds like such a horrible word. It really is not. I mean of course I get sad and miss my son so terribly bad, HOWEVER, I sincerely understand the concept.

The Bishop of our church came over the day before Maddox's service. He had said that Maddox was almost someone to be envious of. He explained life as a test for the final judgement. Maddox pretty much got a free pass. He was simply incapable of sin, just like Jesus Christ. He will not have to face the struggles we deal with daily. Of course the selfish person we all are, I would much rather him here, and a sinner. But he is not so I have to find the optimisms of it or else I too would die. Trust me, before I had this sort of aspect, I thought the second Maddox died I would find the nearest window and jump from it. Or stab myself in the chest so I could be with him immediately. I precisely planned this out for the second he started to pass or the second I found out the news. I thought there was no way I could be with out him. Not even for a second. I thought I would die and that there was no possible way I could handle such a thing, until I learned about what the next life is like, and that he is never really gone, and the things I need to do to be able to get to the next life with him.

The Bishop also mentioned that Maddox is probably right here with me. That the next life is for now the spirit world. Which is almost a 3rd dimension of the universe, which makes sense. But for some reason I could not feel him. I wanted to feel him so badly. So that night, I prayed for some sort of sign that he was there. Something that would let me know that hes still here with me and that I dont have to worry. Then all of a sudden, today, out of no where, my two year old sister started randomly talking to Maddox. I had taught her before about how Maddox is in the sky, not here. But today, we were all just sitting in the living room. Everyone was minding their own business, when Peyton all of a sudden said, "Hi Maddox!" She held her arms out and said, "Hold Maddox!" and held her arms out like she always would when she asked to hold him. Then she went over to his swing and put him in it, buckled the swing, and put some covers in it and pushed him. She was staring at the swing and talking to him.  My other sister Kayla, went over to the swing and said, "Can I hold Maddox?" and Peyton immediately got defensive like she always would when Maddox was here. She would never let any of my other siblings touch him. She would smack their hands away and tell them "NO TOUCH MADDOX!" She did this. She then removed the blanket, unbuckled the swing and picked him up and brought him over to me. I pretended to hold him and kissed him and then she asked for him back, and we repeated this about a thousand times. She would even set him down and pick him back up as if he was really here. She even carried him upstairs and put him in the bath tub and tried to give him a bath. LOL. She was very gently and never got distracted. She was very protective of him like she was when he was at home alive. This lasted for a few hours. She then switched over to holding him in one hand. Then when we went upstairs she threw him back into the sky. Then I asked again, where is Maddox? She said, "In the sky!" As to when I asked her while she was pretending to play with him, she responded, "Maddox in swing." or "Maddox hold." So maybe Max sometimes comes and visits us. I hope so. It was very sweet and gave me so much peace of mind! It was so real and Peyton was exactly how she was when he was here, protective and gentle.  This was a great step in my healing process and I feel a lot better about everything. This must have been the way my prayer was answered. Even before this happened today, I have felt more calm and comforted in a way.

I am starting to feel more normal. My life is kind of going on. I still think and talk about Maddox every day. Always bring him up. It doesnt really hurt at all. Sometimes I really wish I could hold him. All the time actually, but I understand why I cant and that it is best for him. Anyway, I am truly doing okay and I understand why this happened and I understand that everything will be okay. I am not in any type of disbelief. I have truly accepted it all and I am really OKAY. I wish all people could handle grief this way. It makes it so much easier. You keep your child's memory alive and you remember that they are still here and always will be and that we will all physically be together again! I am starting to love this spiritual theory and my sweet guy is taken care of and I am just as good as I can be. I love my baby boy so much and miss him so bad and want to touch and hold him so bad. But again, I understand...


  1. I saw your post on "eats of feets" a while ago. I wanted to say that I'm so happy that God answered your prayer, and it's awesome to think that your baby sister was able to play with him thanks to god. Your son is beautiful, and I'm sure he's so proud of you right now. Take care.

  2. Aw! Children are such wonderful blessings, aren't they? I'm glad that little Peyton could be the answer to your prayers.