Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I cant wait to see my little guys body. Once again, I KNOW it is not really him, but I still love it because he was once apart of it. When he passed I still kinda felt like it was him, and didnt want to leave him or let them do an autopsy or touch him or anything at all. So I prayed about it, and now I really know that its not him, it is just the transporter from one life to the next. So I am okay with what they had to do to him after, because its not really him. I still dont like to think about it but I am not freaking out about it like I was. Speaking of answered prayers, I asked God to help me with the urge to smoke cigarettes and I now only get about one urge a day. I used to be thinking about them all day long! So thats awesome.

I miss Maddox everyday. He is really all I think about. But not in a bad way. He is still involved in my life, he is still my main priority. I feel him all around me. I think about him with everything I do. (which is prolly why I havent smoked) I love him so much. I still sing him songs and talk to him. I dont understand how he is soo darn cute! I miss him really bad but I am okay and I know I will see him again. I forgot he was gone for the first time today. I was sitting here at the computer and I almost asked Ron if he would go see if he was okay. It lasted for just a second. It was weird.

 I have only broke down really bad once since Friday. Shoot, I broke down more while he was still here then after he passed. I was sitting in my room taking out all of his stuff. I smelled his blanket and his pillow and it smelled like him. I smelled his lip moisturizer. It is minty and while we were in Oak Lawn that was all he smelled like. I started balling and rocking back and forth with all his little things. I seriously smelled every little thing, I was digging through his entire bucket frantically, searching for something to relieve my longing for his scent. Desitin, mint, and sweat. Thats what he smelled like in the hospital. I will never find something that smelled like his old smell. Thats okay though, I will smell him again one day. Hopefully in Heaven my breasts will magically engourge with milk again, so I can feed Maddox how we loved, which I think will also give him his old smell back. Gosh I miss him.

Everyone always tells me "I dont know what Id do if I lost my child."  I used to say that all the time. "Oh no I would not be able to handle that." Well now I am doing it and I think I am doing very well with it all. When you are in this position, you have no choice but to deal with it. and it has everything to do with your MINDSET. If you arent a spiritual person and all you think about is how hes gone and you will never see him again, you will not survive. Thats what this is, survival.

Tomorrow my biggest thing is what he will look like. I am afraid he will not look the same or he will be discolored or look fake or something idk. I guess we will wait and see.

I seriously have this incredible urge for some kind of independence. I want my license and a job so badly. I also have this creativity hoarding inside me, so ready for disperse. Next month I am applying everywhere. Its happening. I am going to get in shape, get a job, meet new people, get my school work done, and scrap book my brains out. It will be great!

I was around another baby for this first time since Maddox. My niece Jennica. I did not have any feelings what so ever of jealousy or missing Maddox. Maddox is still here. His body may not be here but his soul is. He will always be with me. No baby will ever make me feel sad that Maddox no longer has a body for me to hold. Maddox would be glad that these babys have a healthy working body. So I am too. My baby boy is extra special to me. No baby can compare to my son. I love all children and babies but it is not the love I have for my son. I am just one of those people that loves caring for children. They make me happy. They are miracles. I dont feel like I am another childs mom and my motherly instinct doesnt really kick in when I am around other babies. Not like it did with Max anyway. All babies are different. For example I was burping Jennica and Im like okay Jess(Jennicas mom) what do I do now!? LOL I have read other mother's stories about their grief experiences and some cant go around children or when they do they think that its their baby or it reminds them of their deceased child too much. That is not me. When I hold someone elses child, its just like it would be if Maddox was still here. Its not a big deal at all. Just another God sent baby. Maddox would be glad that another child gets to be held by me.

I have much more to blog about but I will write later. It is 1:30 am and I need to get to bed. Got to get up in four hours to get ready for the visitation and stuff.

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