Friday, January 28, 2011

Just Another One of My Moments

Tonight at 9:50 pm would have been exactly two weeks from Maddox's passing. I remember the only and last breath he took in my arms that night. It was loud and gasping. I remember holding him and not being able to tell if he was gone or not. I did not think it would happen so fast. I can remember everything perfectly, even in the blur the whole thing was. I regret so many things that kill me every day. I wish I would have asked to hold him more and embraced the time he was here. At the time, I knew I would regret it later on, but it hurt me so much to try to interact with him, and he just lay there. We had some really good days though before hand. Everyone was right. By that, I mean that he was doing soooo well for a few days, and a few people mentioned that sick people usually seem to get better before they pass. That it so true.

When I feel hopeless, and that things couldnt get much worse, like right now, I think of how lucky we were to have the privilege of knowing it was going to happen and being able to prepare for it. Sure it happened 2 days earlier than we had planned, which was kind of also another "privilege" because we did NOT want to make that decision. We did not want the guilt of knowing we had to "pull the plug" on our son. We prayed we would not have to make that decision, as much as we wanted it planned, and our prayers were answered. Earlier, I was reading a blog about two parents that had to find their child passed away one morning in her crib. I am so thankful it did not have to happen that way with us. It was not tragic, it was peaceful, calm, and expected. I cant imagine if I found him dead one morning, suddenly, unexpected. So these things are one of the few things we take out of this situation.

 One thing I have been confused with lately is who Maddox is, or where he is. I read of people who visit their child's grave every single day. For some reason I dont really feel the need to go there often. I know he is not in there, but when I did go there, I was confused. I talked to his grave and it just felt awkward because I talk to him all the time at home. When I talk to his grave, should I talk to the Maddox that is with me and let him know that I have come to the grave to mourn his body, since he is not in there? It is so confusing. Does he come to the grave with me to mourn his own body? When I go to the grave and talk to it, it does not feel like I am talking to him. It feels silly. Is it okay to feel this way? Is this normal? Gosh, what is normalcy anymore?

Right now I want him here more than ever. I can tell he is not with me right now because I feel this way. I sound so crazy but I can seriously tell. I can honestly say that spirits are real and they can communicate! I swear its through the air and the presence they bring or whatever you want to call it. You just KNOW when hes there. Anyone who has felt him(and I am not the only one) can tell you that you just KNOW! And when they leave you, it is cold, hopeless and tragic. Right now, I think Maddox is with Ron because he is fast asleep and looks so peaceful and I am over here feeling chilled, empty, restless and helpless. Maybe if I go snuggle with Ron, my baby boy will comfort me too! Actually, I am about to go do that right now! I cant handle it any longer! I miss him so much, my little guy comfort me too!!!! I am coming!

I know it sounds crazy you guys, but I can promise there is something after this life and that God is real! This is coming from a prior agnostic and maybe even atheist! I used to think God and Heaven sounded crazy and that it was all a bunch of non sense to make people feel better and do right, but it DOES make you feel better and you will KNOW and get overwhelming feelings of calmness! I can promise you that! There is no sense in trying to convert an atheist or agnostic because they have to truly feel this for themselves. I can say that, as I was in their shoes! If I did not believe this, I would be dead right now. But I am living, sometimes even miserably without my son. Sometimes when he is not here I feel so completely empty and dead inside, so why would I even go on if there was not something after this life? I know I cant get to where I want to be if I take my own life, so why would I walk through this agony if I thought there was nothing left for me? Because there is and I can promise you that! I seriously day dream all the time about the moment I meet my beautiful little man again! I seriously cant wait! I miss him so terribly! I want to hold him so much! I want to do everything with  him, and I have been promised that I will get to do this one day! That this life is very short and I have to live it my best so I can get to be with my son for ETERNITY! I love that! I may not be with my son physically in this life, but this life is soo very short, and sooner or later, I will BE WITH HIM! Thats all I want and I cant wait for it! Sometimes when we drive in the car or are doing something dangerous, I almost wish something would happen so I could just skip this life and be with him now. I know that is not the way and I dont always think like that but sometimes I cant help it! I just cant wait and I am so glad I am promised an eternity with my one and only love!

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