Friday, January 28, 2011

Just Another One of My Moments

Tonight at 9:50 pm would have been exactly two weeks from Maddox's passing. I remember the only and last breath he took in my arms that night. It was loud and gasping. I remember holding him and not being able to tell if he was gone or not. I did not think it would happen so fast. I can remember everything perfectly, even in the blur the whole thing was. I regret so many things that kill me every day. I wish I would have asked to hold him more and embraced the time he was here. At the time, I knew I would regret it later on, but it hurt me so much to try to interact with him, and he just lay there. We had some really good days though before hand. Everyone was right. By that, I mean that he was doing soooo well for a few days, and a few people mentioned that sick people usually seem to get better before they pass. That it so true.

When I feel hopeless, and that things couldnt get much worse, like right now, I think of how lucky we were to have the privilege of knowing it was going to happen and being able to prepare for it. Sure it happened 2 days earlier than we had planned, which was kind of also another "privilege" because we did NOT want to make that decision. We did not want the guilt of knowing we had to "pull the plug" on our son. We prayed we would not have to make that decision, as much as we wanted it planned, and our prayers were answered. Earlier, I was reading a blog about two parents that had to find their child passed away one morning in her crib. I am so thankful it did not have to happen that way with us. It was not tragic, it was peaceful, calm, and expected. I cant imagine if I found him dead one morning, suddenly, unexpected. So these things are one of the few things we take out of this situation.

 One thing I have been confused with lately is who Maddox is, or where he is. I read of people who visit their child's grave every single day. For some reason I dont really feel the need to go there often. I know he is not in there, but when I did go there, I was confused. I talked to his grave and it just felt awkward because I talk to him all the time at home. When I talk to his grave, should I talk to the Maddox that is with me and let him know that I have come to the grave to mourn his body, since he is not in there? It is so confusing. Does he come to the grave with me to mourn his own body? When I go to the grave and talk to it, it does not feel like I am talking to him. It feels silly. Is it okay to feel this way? Is this normal? Gosh, what is normalcy anymore?

Right now I want him here more than ever. I can tell he is not with me right now because I feel this way. I sound so crazy but I can seriously tell. I can honestly say that spirits are real and they can communicate! I swear its through the air and the presence they bring or whatever you want to call it. You just KNOW when hes there. Anyone who has felt him(and I am not the only one) can tell you that you just KNOW! And when they leave you, it is cold, hopeless and tragic. Right now, I think Maddox is with Ron because he is fast asleep and looks so peaceful and I am over here feeling chilled, empty, restless and helpless. Maybe if I go snuggle with Ron, my baby boy will comfort me too! Actually, I am about to go do that right now! I cant handle it any longer! I miss him so much, my little guy comfort me too!!!! I am coming!

I know it sounds crazy you guys, but I can promise there is something after this life and that God is real! This is coming from a prior agnostic and maybe even atheist! I used to think God and Heaven sounded crazy and that it was all a bunch of non sense to make people feel better and do right, but it DOES make you feel better and you will KNOW and get overwhelming feelings of calmness! I can promise you that! There is no sense in trying to convert an atheist or agnostic because they have to truly feel this for themselves. I can say that, as I was in their shoes! If I did not believe this, I would be dead right now. But I am living, sometimes even miserably without my son. Sometimes when he is not here I feel so completely empty and dead inside, so why would I even go on if there was not something after this life? I know I cant get to where I want to be if I take my own life, so why would I walk through this agony if I thought there was nothing left for me? Because there is and I can promise you that! I seriously day dream all the time about the moment I meet my beautiful little man again! I seriously cant wait! I miss him so terribly! I want to hold him so much! I want to do everything with  him, and I have been promised that I will get to do this one day! That this life is very short and I have to live it my best so I can get to be with my son for ETERNITY! I love that! I may not be with my son physically in this life, but this life is soo very short, and sooner or later, I will BE WITH HIM! Thats all I want and I cant wait for it! Sometimes when we drive in the car or are doing something dangerous, I almost wish something would happen so I could just skip this life and be with him now. I know that is not the way and I dont always think like that but sometimes I cant help it! I just cant wait and I am so glad I am promised an eternity with my one and only love!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Quick Annoying Thought

I am in the middle of cleaning my room and sorting out everything of Maddox's and something keeps bugging me. (yes at 4am, I know my schedule is way off lol) Its just that I feel bad that I am keeping EVERYTHING he ever wore. Its not that much, kind of a lot but still. I am giving everything he never wore (which is a lot) away and keeping everything he did. But when I see something really cute that he wore I feel bad for keeping it. Like I should give to another child to wear, not keep it for my own sake. I am going to keep it all because I feel like I will regret giving it away, but I feel like I am being really selfish. Every time I fold and put away something he wore that is really nice and cute I just feel really bad and selfish. Idk am I doing this all too soon? I dont have a problem with getting rid of stuff he never used or wore. Its just I feel bad for keeping really nice things. Idk. I also dont know if I want to get rid of his crib bedding. It is really nice and I could use the money. We paid like 165 for it. Its all organic and its just really nice material. Even though he didnt really like his crib. He would fuss for 5 minutes in it and then fall asleep, but if he heard us whisper he would start fussing again lol. Not crying, fussing lol. Hes so silly. Uhhh I dont know what to do. I think I may be trying to figure this all out too soon. hmmph. Idk just had to get this off my chest asap. Is this normal?

 OHH and another thing that keeps bugging me is my breast milk. I can still express a little bit of milk when I squeeze them, SOOO I have really been debating relactation and donating to Eats on Feets again. Despite how much I LOVE not having to eat, drink, and take vitamins all the time, I think it would make me feel a lot better about myself and motivate me to get a good diet going and drink more water and not sleep all day. I could make enough for either a full supply or just pumping twice a day or something. What should I do?! I want to start before I completely dry up though so I need advice! I want to but apart of me is too lazy. Uhh another decision! Oh and I kind of miss having semi-full breasts LOL

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Dear my little guy,

I think about you all the time. My mind is hardly anywhere else. I just want us to be together. I miss you really bad right now. I always miss you but some moments are more intense than others. I love you so much big guy! I seriously can not wait for the day I see you again. Its all I think about! I just love you so much! I know you are probably sleeping right now so I am sorry if I always wake you up with my loud middle of the night thoughts. But this time is when its quiet and when I have time to just day dream about you! I wish I would have held you more! I miss it so much! Looking back I would have held you as much as the nurses would have let me! No matter how bad it depressed me that you were always asleep or living off the machine! I miss it! I miss when I held you and you would drench my arm in sweat because I could only hold you in one position. I miss your smell. In fact, after this, I am going to go upstairs and FIND your smell! I will find it! I miss you so much! Sometimes, like right now, I feel like I cant live without you. Its too hard sometimes. You were my reason for living! Right now, I am not doing much of anything. Sometimes I miss you so bad I cant even move in the morning. Sometimes I just want to sleep all day so I can see you in my dreams! I miss your smell, I miss the way you wiggled around and kicked your feet. You were such a skinny little guy! I miss ya so much baby boy! I know you are still here with me but sometimes I forget or dont feel you as much! I just want you back. Where I can see you cause I can hardly bare it sometimes. Sometimes I am okay with you not being here. After all it can really be a horrible place. But sometimes I get angry because I wanted you to experience things here! I wanted to show you things and teach you things like mommys are supposed to! I am so sorry. Sometimes I think God took you because of me and daddy fighting :( I think about that all the time. Did he save you from us? Did he take you because he didnt want you to have a mommy and daddy that fought all the time? Why? I promise we wouldnt fight in front of you! I know we broke that promise but we didnt think you could hear us because you were sleeping. I am so sorry baby boy. I feel like its all my fault sometimes. I cant think of why else God would take you besides your perfection. It was too good for this world and thats the only thing I am okay with. Gosh I just miss ya big man! I cant even begin to explain how much I love you. More than anything and I would really, truly do anything for you to be here right now. I know you are here but I just wish you were here in your body so I could see you and hold you and touch you and teach you and play with you and just be with you. Sometimes I dont know how I will make it the next hour without you. Uhh buddy what am I gonna do! I love you so much. I am sorry for waking you up. I am going to go take a bath now. I hope youre with me! I love you sweetie! Miss you more than ever!
                  Love, momma <3

^ My teacher brought this Isabelle Bloom sculpture over today. I LOVE it. It is exactly true and just a great way to express the love for my beautiful, perfect son. It is on my dresser right now. My class mates and teachers also got me two very thoughtful cards. Thank you guys! I was asleep when they brought it over. My morning started off not so good. Could not get out of bed for nothing, and then I finally arose to this and it made my day all the more better! Thanks again you guys! <3

Friday, January 21, 2011

A Step Back

Resentment that has been put to the side for a while is starting to surface.

People who wished bad things upon me and Maddox.
People who were jealous of me and Maddox.
People who doubted I would be a good parent to Maddox.
People who wanted me to abort Maddox.
People who said mean things about Maddox.
People who said mean things to me for being pregnant with Maddox.
People who dont take care of their own children.
People who are uneducated about how to care for their children.
People who do horrible things around their children.
People who abort their children.
People who dont appreciate their children.
People who do not choose whats best for their children because of their own selfishness.
People who dont appreciate things in life itself.
People who make a big deal out of stupid little things.

These things have all bothered me before, but it was sparked back up due to my facebook friends and TV and just being around my family with children.

Is this normal? I feel like I am taking a step back. I dont want to be the hopeless, angry, grieving mother but these feelings are inevitable almost.

I dont want everyone to feel sorry for me or anything. Maybe I do. I dont know. I wish I could explain this.
Its almost like I expect everyone to learn from me and to automatically appreciate everything and treat their kids better and do all these things. I dont want to be angry at the world. But everything irritates me! Today was pretty much a good day. But this past week has been bad! Like the way people in my family handle their children and their lack of care for them or the things they arent supposed to do and I see them do.

I think I am just feeling sorry for myself or something because I worked so hard to educate myself for 9+ months for Maddox. I know for a fact I researched every decision I would ever have to make for Maddox to make sure it was the best one.  More than anyone I know. I dont understand why God saw me do all these things and prepare for my son so thoroughly and then have him taken from me, when there are children out there whos mothers did not prepare themselves like I did. But the one mother who puts this kind of time, effort and thought into her parenting, gets her child taken? I dont understand. I know I am not supposed to understand but youd think he would work a little differently in behalf of the children. I wanted to parent so badly. I guess that is why I am so short tempered with the people I described above. I would never wish child loss upon anyone. EVER. It is THE hardest thing anyone could ever possibly go through. Especially at times like this. Every choice I made for Maddox was carefully thought out, looked into, and with love. Not every mother does that, but I feel like I went above and beyond for it to just blow off in my face.

Okay, Ill admit it, I am feeling sorry for myself. Its just that stupid 16 and Pregnant page always sets me off lol. I think I am going to quit going to it. Some of the girls on there are just SO ignorant and irritating. Along with a lot of people in my family and on my news feed. I guess I will pray about it tonight. Thats all I can really think of doing. Its so hard though. I thought I was doing so well. I guess I was just pushing these feelings to the side for too long. It feels good to get them out though.

Dear Maddox, Max, Madd, Big guy, Big man, Little guy, Buddy, Bubbaz, Baby boy, Sunshine, Sweet boy,

I love you so much little guy! and miss you BAD! I regret sleeping in till noon the day you passed. I regret not spending every second with you, no matter how much it depressed me to see you sleep all the time. I just wish I had one more day. One more HOUR EVEN! I would do anything. I miss your smell, your feel, you sound, your warmth, sweat, breath, everything! Theres not a single thing I dont miss about you. If I could have you back I would let you poop on me all you want, keep me up as long as you want, sweat on me all you want, anything, and I would not complain once! You were such a good baby anyway bubbaz! You still are! Youre such a content little guy. You appreciated just being home and were fine with just that. I remember the one time you were fussy it was all mommas fault. I gave you too much of your antibiotic and I freaked out! I called poison control and they said you would be fine but you would have a little tummy ache! Thats why you were fussy that night! Im so sorry! I am such an idiot for doing that to you big guy! Im sorry! Thankfully it was just an antibiotic though! Momma def learned from that one! Thank you for not bein mad at me big guy! Momma misses taking bathes with you so much! Its not the same without you! I remember I would start the water, get in, and then have daddy give you to me. Then daddy would watch us play for a little bit, and you would be so relaxed! You loved really warm water just like momma! We would just cuddle, play and even EAT in the tub! Then I would wash you up and give you to dada and he would dry you off and lotion you up while I hurried and got washed and out. Then dada and I would pick out your clothes together and dress you up all sweet and cuddle for the rest of the night. You were a night owl with us most of the time and then slept all day too! lol. I miss that! I never thought you would really be gone. This soon anyway. I knew I was going to have to face this at one point in life but not now. I thought I was going to be able to take you to the beach and Disney land and do all these great things with you. We will do them one day I promise. But for now, I love watching you play with aunt Peypey, I love when I can feel you here. I think I feel you right now because I feel warm, safe and some what whole. When you arent here, I can tell, because thats when I feel like breaking and empty. Its weird because it seems like you are here all throughout the day except at one point in the morning, once in the afternoon and once at night. Sounds to me like you go back to Heaven for breakfast, lunch, and dinner LOL Aunt Peypey notices that too. Anyway, Ill go now cause every time I try to talk to you at night I feel bad cause I figure you are sleeping or something so I am sorry little guy, if you can hear me talking to you in my thoughts lol. I love you baby boy and miss you SOOO much bubbaz <3 XOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOXOXOXOXO

Thursday, January 20, 2011

A Lovely Discernment

The service went very well. I did not react how I thought. I effortlessly remained calm, and only teared up once during the funeral. He looked beautiful. Like a little doll. He was very cold and hard as expected. However, his hand was very flexible and holdable which I enjoyed. I also told the funeral home to make him smell like baby lotion, and I even sent a little tube of Baby Magic lotion with his little outfit. He did not smell like Baby Magic. He smelled like clay. That kind of bugged me but the whole thing really made me realize the difference between the body and the soul. A load of people came and it was just really nice. We had tons of support and everything went smoothly. We buried him with all the stuffed animals that could fit in his tiny casket and a few relatives sent him with necklaces. He had the most precious white christening outfit on and he just looked like a little angel. Everything pretty much went as planned. Seen quite a few friends and family that I have not seen in ages so that was nice.

The hardest part was to leave his casket so they could close it and carry him to the hearse. I gave him a ton of kisses, read him "Little Bear Hugs" and tucked him in good. We buried him a part of the cemetery called Baby Land. We had a huge line of cars driving to the cemetery. The burial was quick and we all took a few flowers from his spray. (I looked up some cool ways to preserve them so I need to get on that before they die.) I kept kissing his coffin. I had to hurry  up and leave because I really wanted them to open it one last time while we were out there. But I managed to leave and we went to Rons grandparents' church where they held a lunch in for afterwards. It was very nice. Saw a ton of my family and my brand new neices and little cousins and it was just very nice. After that, I went home and took a 4 hour nap. I was so relieved to get it all over with.

I am truly doing okay. I am not really in any type of shock anymore and Ive really come to terms with it all. and I am actually okay with it. A few people mentioned how I will eventually one day let it all get to me and I will pretty much crash. This was mentioned because I was smiling a lot at the service. I am smiling because I honestly understand what death is. It is not so much a bad thing. Especially now that I know that he is still here.(which I will explain in a minute.) But it has hit me, and it was not bad. I look at death totally different now. Death sounds like such a horrible word. It really is not. I mean of course I get sad and miss my son so terribly bad, HOWEVER, I sincerely understand the concept.

The Bishop of our church came over the day before Maddox's service. He had said that Maddox was almost someone to be envious of. He explained life as a test for the final judgement. Maddox pretty much got a free pass. He was simply incapable of sin, just like Jesus Christ. He will not have to face the struggles we deal with daily. Of course the selfish person we all are, I would much rather him here, and a sinner. But he is not so I have to find the optimisms of it or else I too would die. Trust me, before I had this sort of aspect, I thought the second Maddox died I would find the nearest window and jump from it. Or stab myself in the chest so I could be with him immediately. I precisely planned this out for the second he started to pass or the second I found out the news. I thought there was no way I could be with out him. Not even for a second. I thought I would die and that there was no possible way I could handle such a thing, until I learned about what the next life is like, and that he is never really gone, and the things I need to do to be able to get to the next life with him.

The Bishop also mentioned that Maddox is probably right here with me. That the next life is for now the spirit world. Which is almost a 3rd dimension of the universe, which makes sense. But for some reason I could not feel him. I wanted to feel him so badly. So that night, I prayed for some sort of sign that he was there. Something that would let me know that hes still here with me and that I dont have to worry. Then all of a sudden, today, out of no where, my two year old sister started randomly talking to Maddox. I had taught her before about how Maddox is in the sky, not here. But today, we were all just sitting in the living room. Everyone was minding their own business, when Peyton all of a sudden said, "Hi Maddox!" She held her arms out and said, "Hold Maddox!" and held her arms out like she always would when she asked to hold him. Then she went over to his swing and put him in it, buckled the swing, and put some covers in it and pushed him. She was staring at the swing and talking to him.  My other sister Kayla, went over to the swing and said, "Can I hold Maddox?" and Peyton immediately got defensive like she always would when Maddox was here. She would never let any of my other siblings touch him. She would smack their hands away and tell them "NO TOUCH MADDOX!" She did this. She then removed the blanket, unbuckled the swing and picked him up and brought him over to me. I pretended to hold him and kissed him and then she asked for him back, and we repeated this about a thousand times. She would even set him down and pick him back up as if he was really here. She even carried him upstairs and put him in the bath tub and tried to give him a bath. LOL. She was very gently and never got distracted. She was very protective of him like she was when he was at home alive. This lasted for a few hours. She then switched over to holding him in one hand. Then when we went upstairs she threw him back into the sky. Then I asked again, where is Maddox? She said, "In the sky!" As to when I asked her while she was pretending to play with him, she responded, "Maddox in swing." or "Maddox hold." So maybe Max sometimes comes and visits us. I hope so. It was very sweet and gave me so much peace of mind! It was so real and Peyton was exactly how she was when he was here, protective and gentle.  This was a great step in my healing process and I feel a lot better about everything. This must have been the way my prayer was answered. Even before this happened today, I have felt more calm and comforted in a way.

I am starting to feel more normal. My life is kind of going on. I still think and talk about Maddox every day. Always bring him up. It doesnt really hurt at all. Sometimes I really wish I could hold him. All the time actually, but I understand why I cant and that it is best for him. Anyway, I am truly doing okay and I understand why this happened and I understand that everything will be okay. I am not in any type of disbelief. I have truly accepted it all and I am really OKAY. I wish all people could handle grief this way. It makes it so much easier. You keep your child's memory alive and you remember that they are still here and always will be and that we will all physically be together again! I am starting to love this spiritual theory and my sweet guy is taken care of and I am just as good as I can be. I love my baby boy so much and miss him so bad and want to touch and hold him so bad. But again, I understand...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011


I cant wait to see my little guys body. Once again, I KNOW it is not really him, but I still love it because he was once apart of it. When he passed I still kinda felt like it was him, and didnt want to leave him or let them do an autopsy or touch him or anything at all. So I prayed about it, and now I really know that its not him, it is just the transporter from one life to the next. So I am okay with what they had to do to him after, because its not really him. I still dont like to think about it but I am not freaking out about it like I was. Speaking of answered prayers, I asked God to help me with the urge to smoke cigarettes and I now only get about one urge a day. I used to be thinking about them all day long! So thats awesome.

I miss Maddox everyday. He is really all I think about. But not in a bad way. He is still involved in my life, he is still my main priority. I feel him all around me. I think about him with everything I do. (which is prolly why I havent smoked) I love him so much. I still sing him songs and talk to him. I dont understand how he is soo darn cute! I miss him really bad but I am okay and I know I will see him again. I forgot he was gone for the first time today. I was sitting here at the computer and I almost asked Ron if he would go see if he was okay. It lasted for just a second. It was weird.

 I have only broke down really bad once since Friday. Shoot, I broke down more while he was still here then after he passed. I was sitting in my room taking out all of his stuff. I smelled his blanket and his pillow and it smelled like him. I smelled his lip moisturizer. It is minty and while we were in Oak Lawn that was all he smelled like. I started balling and rocking back and forth with all his little things. I seriously smelled every little thing, I was digging through his entire bucket frantically, searching for something to relieve my longing for his scent. Desitin, mint, and sweat. Thats what he smelled like in the hospital. I will never find something that smelled like his old smell. Thats okay though, I will smell him again one day. Hopefully in Heaven my breasts will magically engourge with milk again, so I can feed Maddox how we loved, which I think will also give him his old smell back. Gosh I miss him.

Everyone always tells me "I dont know what Id do if I lost my child."  I used to say that all the time. "Oh no I would not be able to handle that." Well now I am doing it and I think I am doing very well with it all. When you are in this position, you have no choice but to deal with it. and it has everything to do with your MINDSET. If you arent a spiritual person and all you think about is how hes gone and you will never see him again, you will not survive. Thats what this is, survival.

Tomorrow my biggest thing is what he will look like. I am afraid he will not look the same or he will be discolored or look fake or something idk. I guess we will wait and see.

I seriously have this incredible urge for some kind of independence. I want my license and a job so badly. I also have this creativity hoarding inside me, so ready for disperse. Next month I am applying everywhere. Its happening. I am going to get in shape, get a job, meet new people, get my school work done, and scrap book my brains out. It will be great!

I was around another baby for this first time since Maddox. My niece Jennica. I did not have any feelings what so ever of jealousy or missing Maddox. Maddox is still here. His body may not be here but his soul is. He will always be with me. No baby will ever make me feel sad that Maddox no longer has a body for me to hold. Maddox would be glad that these babys have a healthy working body. So I am too. My baby boy is extra special to me. No baby can compare to my son. I love all children and babies but it is not the love I have for my son. I am just one of those people that loves caring for children. They make me happy. They are miracles. I dont feel like I am another childs mom and my motherly instinct doesnt really kick in when I am around other babies. Not like it did with Max anyway. All babies are different. For example I was burping Jennica and Im like okay Jess(Jennicas mom) what do I do now!? LOL I have read other mother's stories about their grief experiences and some cant go around children or when they do they think that its their baby or it reminds them of their deceased child too much. That is not me. When I hold someone elses child, its just like it would be if Maddox was still here. Its not a big deal at all. Just another God sent baby. Maddox would be glad that another child gets to be held by me.

I have much more to blog about but I will write later. It is 1:30 am and I need to get to bed. Got to get up in four hours to get ready for the visitation and stuff.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

It's Over

Right now, I feel like I am not me. I am someone watching what is going on. It feels like a dream. I will start from the beginning so I can get this all out. I dont know whats wrong with me. I still have only shed a single tear. My face hurts very bad. But I have yet to break down. Hopefully writing it all out with help me process what has happened these past few days so I can actually get intune with myself and allow myself to grieve. Right now I feel like a ticking time bomb. Nothing feels real.

Yesterday, Maddox starting having trouble keeping his oxygen levels up. I really did not think anything of it. The doctors said he may not make it to Sunday but they had said that before. I trusted that Maddox would make it to Sunday. I really didnt think things were going to move so quickly, even though I was warned.

So at about 7pm things got bad. His levels were at 60 % when they are normally at 100%. He was already on full support on the vent so there was nothing they could do. They said it was not his lungs it was his heart that was making him desat. His heart rate was still good at this point. So the nurse called Dr. Bobbi P and let him know what was happening since Dr. Bobbi knows him best and is very blunt. He asked to speak to me. He said, "I am thinking that Maddox will not make it to morning so we need to make some decisions very soon." He came to the hospital. We called the photography and decided we would extubate him when he got there. Things did not work that way. At about 9:40 when the photographer was about 20 minutes away, I had just sat down to clear my head, when Dr. Bobbi came in and said, "Take everything out, give him to mom." I had not even begun to process everything and then here I am being handed my purple faced son. I through off my shirt and put on my robe and held him tight to my skin. I had my eyes closed for a while then managed to open them and get used to seeing him that color. I talked to him the entire time telling him its okay to let go and that I will miss him but see him again and that it will all be okay. I couldnt stop talking to him. Words just kept spilling out. It will be okay sweet boy, its okay you are done here, no more of this, you are done and I love you so much. He took one loud gasping breath the entire 5 minutes. I only looked at the monitor once and the heart rate said 54. That was all I saw. His is normally 140. After just a few minutes Dr. Bobbi came and listened to him, and pronounced him dead in my arms, at 9:50pm. On his birthday, just 4 months old exactly. After he passed I just held him the same. Tight and close. The photographer showed up shortly and took tons of pictures. I read him his stories. I snuggled him and kissed him sooo much. His lips turned very purple. I did not want to let him go but I gave him to Ron. Ron could not stop crying. Hes such a good dad. I am so proud of him. Ron held him close and spent some good time with him. We snuggled him for hours that felt like minutes. We bathed him, did TONS of hand molds and hand prints and foot prints and took tons of pictures and videos and just made tons of memories of our sweet angel. Then after the molds, we bathed him again, dressed him in his sweet white sleeper, snuggled him tight and surrounded him by all his stuffed animals. I read him more stories. I could not stop kissing him. With the help of our amazing family, we gathered every little thing from his room. We snipped a piece of his soft, thin hair, and cut and saved his tiny finger nails. His foot prints looked like two different feet because his right foot had an IV that had lost the vein so it was very swollen. They were still cute though. He stayed warm for a while until we had to unwrap him and leave him open to do the molds. He got cold. It did not bother me as much as I thought it would. It actually went very smoothly. I am not even freaking out right now. I probably will soon but I am okay right now. After a while, his stomach started to get really hard. So we layed him down, tucked him in. We took more pictures. Everyone had came in and seen him while he was in my arms and after we tucked him in. We got all of our stuff bagged and put into wagons. Everyone left one by one. Then it was just me and Ron with our sweet baby boy. He did not look dead. He looked like he was sleeping. It hurt to watch his chest and see stillness. His mouth was wide open the entire time. He never had his mouth closed, my silly little guy. The tip of his tongue started to turn purple and his lips turned white. He still did not look scary. He still looked sleeping. After being left alone, we undressed him and swaddled him tight. They told us that his outfit and teddy would probably get lost because they had to take him down to the morg and go to a few different places since they wanted to do an autopsy. His genetic testing shows that he did not have the common mutated gene for Alagilles so they are doing more tests and want to see exactly what was going on in his body. I dont like to think about them doing an autopsy so I will not speak of it anymore. Anyway, he was just laying in his crib, snuggled up and I just layed my head next to him. We could not stop kissing him. He was so cold, yet sweet. He smelled different, but it was sweet. We just snuggled him and kissed him and prayed with him. We finally got the courage to leave the hospital. We are still only across the street at the RMD home but it was still so hard to leave. We walked out and just looked at the sky. We know are little boy is up there and is relieved of his pain. WE are relieved. He is at peace now. PEACE. peace. He truly is. Someone told me that years on earth are just seconds in Heaven, which makes me feel better because I did not want him to miss me. So by the time I die, it will only be a few seconds for him and he will hardly know I was gone. Right now, I bet he is sleeping on a cloud, snuggled next to Nickolas. Tomorrow morning, Nickolas will show him all the cool places to play in Heaven, they will be read to by Jesus with all the other little children. They will have a great time and we will all be together again. I am still in an uptight, shock. I am shaking. I am nauseous. I am starving. I am aching. I am drained and exhausted. I am sore and broken. I am relieved and peaceful. I am without my child right now, and it is killing me that I will never see him open his eyes and look at me again. A few minutes before he passed, he was in his bed, being bagged in attempt to get his oxygen back up and he was just staring at me. I miss him so much. Something is blocking the bad feelings out for right now though. I dont mind it too bad. But right now, I am just trying to take everything in. But I am going to go now. I will blog more later. Just had to get this out real quick. Thank you guys and I love you all. Maddox is at peace at last. We are broken yet relieved. His fight is over and he fought damn hard. He truly is my little soldier.

Maddox David Rodriguez

 9/14/10 - 1/14/11

Born at 2:24pm Died at 9:50pm

He is everything to us. We will go on though. We will never ever forget him. Thats impossible. But hopefully our pain will ease with time. Knowing he is comfortable and that God and Heaven needs a little bit of everybody up there. Like Marcy says. What would Heaven be without some cute little babys? It can be just a bunch of crotchy old people LOL Marcys words. Love looking at it that way. Its over for us. He lives in our hearts now. Thanks to all again.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

feelings lately

So I am pretty sure I will be able to do it Sunday. It still doesnt seem real to me. I am surprised I am not spending all my time at his bed side. I thought I would be but its so hard to just stand there and look at him and its depressing when you try to play and laugh with him with no response. I am always in his room just not standing by him. I read him his entire collection of story books. I will ask to hold him after I finish this blog. I want to see if I can somehow get in his crib lol Sounds silly but I could totally fit. Thats all I want to do, is snuggle and sleep with him. When he was at home with us, we were against co-sleeping but would sometimes sneak a nap or two during the day with him. I wasnt that much of a freak about it because of his apnea monitor. I remember one time I took a nap with him though and I woke up and I had pulled the covers over his head on accident, so from that point on he did not lay in the bed with us ever again to sleep. He was fine but it just scared me lol. I keep trying to think of good memories of him. Funny ones. Is it just me or is he the cutest little guy in the world? I honestly think so. I think every mom thinks that about their babe though haha.

My feelings are so out of control right now. It is really taking a toll on me physically. I cant sleep, I barely eat, I am losing a lot of hair and I am really weak and lazy. One minute I am kind of peaceful with the idea of Maddox going to a better place, and the next there is no possible way I can handle it and I want to die.

Before I knew Maddoxs problems were so severe, I had heard of stories and known people that have lost a child, and I always thought, there is no possible way I could deal with that. I would always think to myself, how are they going on? How are they not sobbing every single day? How are they having more children? How do they go on at all? Now that it is me, you realize you just dont have a choice. You cant just cry all the time and you cant just look at the down side of it or you WILL DIE. If I didnt believe in God and Heaven I would be dead right now. But I do and I am still here and I know that I have to keep on going. I will never move on and I will NEVER be the same.

Thinking about the future helps so much. I want to be the nurse that knows exactly what people are going through because I do. I am determined to work in an intensive care unit in a childrens hospital. Ive made every single decision a parent with a sick child would ever have to make. I know exactly how it is and exactly what a parent wants in a nurse and hopefully what a patient would want too. I hate the type of nurses that go in, do their job and get out. I am going to be the nurse that goes that extra mile and not only offers medical care but emotional support because I know exactly how it is. I want to help other parents through the grieving process because helping other people helps me too. I just cant wait to do good for myself and make Max proud of me.

I have found how to ignore the question "why" in my head. I have decided I am not going to dwell over "why did this happen to us" and I am just going to accept it. Things happen to good people. I hate to call this a bad thing. It is and isnt. I dont like to think of it as such a horrible tragedy. It is somewhat of a tragedy but there is a bright side to it. Maddox will not suffer any longer. Why did he have to suffer in the first place? Well thats where my avoiding the "why" question roll comes in. There is no answer. He must have just been too beautiful for this cold world. I created such a special little guy that was needed in Heaven immediately. I am thankful for the time I got with him and I am sort of accepting that it is now his time to go. Its so important for me to remember that this is not the end for us. The one thing that bothers me most though, is that I would have raised him right. I knew exactly how I wanted to parent and I think he would have turned out to be such a good man. He will be my little guy forever now and thats okay too. I am just sad that I wont be able to see how smart I taught him to be or how respectful, gentle, and just how to be a good person. I put so much thought into how I wanted to parent and the kind of mother I would be. I dont understand why someone who actually cares has to suffer. Verses saving a child from someone who doesnt care.Thats when I block those thoughts out because they just piss me off. It makes me question my faith so I just dont think about them. God works in mysterious ways, but I have to remember that the end is what matters and that in the end, everything is perfect if you do it right and that we will all be together again. Without the hardships of life.

Also, fyi to anyone who reads this, it bothers me when people say this is so completely horrible and that you are so sorry and that its so unfair and all that. It helps me when you say positive things like he will be in a better place and things like that. When I see my family get sad and break down, it makes me break down. When I see my family under control and thinking positive, it makes me think positive. Just a tip for those who are confused about what to say or do around me. Also, I hope no one expects me to be sad and sobbing all the time and I dont want anyone to feel like they are walking on egg shells around me and I dont want anyone to avoid the subject of Maddox. I want to talk about him openly. We dont always have to talk about him but I dont want to avoid it either. I also dont want every conversation we have to be sad or like I am suffering. I want to have normal conversations. I want to try to live a normal life and have normal relationships. By this I dont mean I want to forget about Max or anything like that at all, I mean I dont want my life to seem completely sad. The only sad thing is that we all will miss him. Thats it. So please dont make it awkward. I am still a person. I am devastated yes and emotionally critical yes, but I still want to have somewhat normal things in life and fun I guess. It will be hard but I need your guys help!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Our Journey Through Pictures

                                                                     Ron and I

Maddox in the belly, when I first started showing :)

                                                             Our very first ultrasound at 13 weeks

                                                     Still waiting to find out where were having
                                                                       Its a BOY!

                                                   The cake for the baby shower! Got TONS of stuff!
                                                    It was a long, hot, pregnant summer for mama!
                                                            Me the morning of induction!
                                             In LOTS of pain lol About to get my epidural
                                               Finally got him out after a good 2 hours of pushing!
                                            Little guy right after he was born, very beat up but still cute!
                                                     Holding my baby for the first time <3

                                                         Little guy after being transferred to Rockford
                                                                Lil Madd and Daddy
Staying in the over night room at Rockford hospital, the night before we got to go home

                                         Going home for the first time after 4 long weeks in Rockford
                                                      Meeting aunt PeyPey for the first time

                                        Just hanging out looking cute at home (the blue strap is his apnea monitor)
                                                In the ER at ksb waiting to get transferred to Rockford again
                                           In Rockfords little hospital gowns lol so cute

                        In Rockford back on the high flow cannula, just before getting transferred to childrens
  The morning after getting transferred to Hope Childrens Hospital, Maddox went into cardiac arrest and needed to be intubated.
                                               Max got to meet Brian Urlacher for Christmas!
                                         Merry Christmas and Happy New year from Maddox!