Saturday, February 5, 2011

I am miserable

I dont want to do anything and I hate everyone.  I will have moments where I act silly and crazy and funny like everything is okay and its fucking not. I want to make myself and other people laugh because its fun and passes time, and when I am alone or talk to other shitty people I cant stand it anymore. I hate it. I really do. I wish I could just die and it could be as easy as that. What the hell is wrong with some people? A girl I know that I havent seen in years said "you can steal my baby whenever you want when I have him," as if it were going to make me feel better, like another baby would make me feel better. Sometimes they are cute but they also stab me in the chest. I love them and hate them at the same time. I like being around them sometimes but when I am alone and have time to break, I do, and it hurts so bad, cause all I can think about is how that baby is with its mom and my son isnt and I am not with him and we just arent together and thats not how its supposed to be! Plus this girl is completely ignorant and uneducated and it makes me pissed off and sad for the child. I hate people like that... I wish everyone would just leave me alone and let me just lay in my bed for the rest of my life and expect absolutely nothing from me and just let me wither away in my covers forever, with baby's z-flo pillow, hospital blankey, and teddy bear. I have been on edge all week. I feel like jumping off a 20 story building but I can't because I wont see my son that way either. If I knew for a fact it would lead me to my son I would do it right now and not give a shit about who would care if I died. I dont care if anyone else died. Ive already lost the most important piece of my life, its like nothing else will ever phase me. Everyone can die I will not care. I hope we all do die. I've never wanted more truth in 2012 until now. I am not scared at all. I am not scared of anything. The worst that could happen to the ideal person, is death, or someone dying, and to me, death is all I want. That is ALL I want. Death means being with my son. That sounds like the best thing that could ever happen to me. I day dream about it all the time. When I am in the car, when I am in the bath, I just dream about if I got in a car accident and slammed into a tree and died right then and there and opened my eyes to a beautiful light and being handed my sweet baby boy. Or allowing myself to sink to the bottom of the bath or a river and drifting away into the light. It all sounds spectacular. I am not suicidal. I am but I cant be. If I could kill myself and see my son I would but I cant. So I dont. I would never kill myself but that doesn't mean I cant dream about the glory of it.

Speaking of dreams, I have been having some pretty bad ones lately. Ones where Maddox dies early or is killed by the doctors or just crazy horrible things. The worst was where he extubated him self a week before we planned to extubate him and the doctors said that they would not reintubate him so we had to let him die early. He was alert and knew what was going on in my dream so I kept blowing breaths into his mouth to keep him alive. In my dream I felt his lips, his skin and his face. I seriously crave it. I would do anything. I want to go back in time so badly and hold him longer after he passed. 6 hours was not enough. I probably only held him for 2 hours out of that time. I need more time! I feel so incomplete. There was so much more we needed to have closure. There were so many more different pictures I wanted to take. I felt rushed so I didnt want to hold him any longer. I think I was mostly afraid of his body stiffening. I didnt want to feel him stiff. I got uncomfortable when his organs started to get hard so I put him down. Looking back I dont care! I should have held him longer. I am hurting so bad right now. I want to hold him! THATS ALL I WANT! ughh! I now sleep with his pillow, blankey and teddy. I wrap the blankey around the pillow and hold it as if it were him while I sleep. It smells just how he smelt in the hospital. I am so afraid it will lose the smell and start to smell like me but I just cant sleep without it now. I kiss and smell the pillow. I dont really pretend its him, well sometimes sort of but I just ugh, I dont even know how to explain it. I just wish I could do everything over. With the same knowledge I have now...

I want him here so badly. Its hurting so bad. I am starting to come back from one of my moments. Its probably obvious I was in one during the beginning of this post. I dont even remember what I put and I am not even going to read it, I just was feeling out of control and enraged. I am still enraged. Sometimes I cant stand other mothers and pregnancy and baby shower talk and I just hate it all sometimes. Sometimes I dont at all but right now I am so annoyed with all the ignorance and boasts and ugh, I want to puke. How will I ever heal from this? I want him here. I thought I was doing okay but I am not. I cant take it anymore. I just wish this life could end now. But like I said, God is going to fucking torture me by giving me a full healthy life! Sure I want to do great things. I want to be a nurse, I want to possibly adopt someday, but not as much as I want my son. I swear I'd do anything. Id kill someone if I had to. Im sorry but I cant do it. I am doing it, I have to but its just so hard. No one knows. Not even another grieving mother knows. Every loss is different. Most of the grieving mothers I know have more children and all that to keep them busy. I can not even fathom the thought of having another child, which is why we are abstinent PLUS birth control. Anyway, I have yet to meet someone with my exact situation and I probably never will. There are so many things that make our situation unique and incomparable.

MADDOX is so unique and incomparable. No child I have ever met reminds me of him at all and no child will ever. A baby will make me sad, not because it reminds me of Maddox, but because the child is with its mom. Maddox is so extra special and the best, cutest, sweetest, baby boy I know. He was so calm, relaxed, content, grateful, special, beautiful, just a sweet amazing baby. The best baby I know. Hes perfect. He is perfect. There is not a single thing wrong with him in my eyes. He is my absolute, perfect, sinless, pure Angel. What am I going to do with this life time without him. It has been three weeks and one day exactly. 3 weeks, 1day and 11 minutes ago, he died in my arms. It killed me. Hes so beautiful, I will never understand and I will never forget those words doctor Bobbi said, "9:50" he shouted to the nurse, "I am so sorry" he said to us. For some reason I wasnt expecting him to die so fast. I thought we would get a miracle and he would some how live for days. Ugh I am done with this blog. My night is ruined and again, I am miserable...

This site explains everything I feel, THIS SITE

1 comment:

  1. You're are right, no one will ever know. I hope you someday find some kind of peace...