Friday, February 18, 2011

I Was Wrong

In all my early posts, I seemed so accepting, calm, and okay with all of this.
With my son dying, I spoke of how I was genuinely okay and understanding that my son is better. 
Everyone was so glad I was doing well, and I defended myself against those who doubted my optimism.
Well they were all right. I really am not okay at all. I thought I was "okay" enough to start school LOL
I suppose I was in total shock and my body put up a seriously convincing front.
Wow, I am the farthest thing from "okay" right now. I dont even know what I am. I am literally broken.
I will never be fixed. A professional told me the hole in my heart will eventually close, I laughed in sarcasm.
Unless you have experienced this, you will know that this whole never closes. I cant even imagine this hole closing, who says I want this hole to close?
Its so hard to believe that my son was once actually here in my arms! I seriously dont know if I can handle it anymore.
No one understands. Not even another grieving mother I dont think. Even if someone did understand it wouldn't help. What am I going to do without my son?
This hurts, and I am at my breaking point. I cant be fun, silly, laughing and "okay" anymore.
Its so hard not to die. Its all I think about and I finally had a dream about it! It was so beautiful and perfect, and then of course at the end of the dream, I come back to this miserable life. I am miserable. So completely miserable. I dont really care about helping people anymore, I just want my son. I would kill everyone on this Earth with my own bare hands if it would bring back my son and it would just be me and him. There is simply nothing more I want. Maybe this is just one of my moments but I honestly dont think I can do it anymore. I cant go on. How will I go on? No one understands and I dont even think I want anyones help. Its so unfair.
I hate this so badly. No one understands this ach. No one understands how empty I am.
I am forever broken and I am sorry if I cant go on anymore. I just cant do it. I can capitalize my letters, I can hide my broken heart for a little while, but I cant live without my son any longer. I really dont know what I am going to do tonight. I thought a blog might help me snap back to reality but reality makes me want to leave even more. I just wish something could just happen so badly. Life is torture. Life is TORTURE! Its not a gift when your first born, flesh and blood is stolen from you. Then is just a nightmare and full of pain. I am so sickened. I just want to be in Heaven too with my baby. I want my baby! Thats all an dit hurts so bad. i cant do this anymore but i am too afraid to kill myself in case i dont see my son. i cant do this.

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