Sunday, February 20, 2011

Right Now

I might as well drop off the map. I wish anyways.
I seriously wish the numbness of the first weeks of losing my baby would come back.
How did I seem so calm and in control and at peace?
I am so broken. Broken doesn't even describe my pain. I am lost and empty.
I just want my baby. He is seriously all I think about. I dont really know what I am going to do, or how I am going to make it these next few days. I am no longer allowed to be alone.
I really feel alone, even though there are so many mothers out there longing for their babies too, but for some reason my pain seems unbearable. I dont think I can do it much longer. Its taken every ounce out of me.
I managed to get some scrapbooking and cleaning done today. It made me feel a little better.
My mom must have found a dirty sock of his because she handed me some clean clothes that got mixed with hers with a single sock of Maddox's on top of the pile. It tore me up all over again.
I dont know how I ever handled this. I dont know how I was ever okay. I am the farthest thing from okay right now.
Thats why I cant stand when people tell me I am stronger than them, as if I am okay with all of this. I may have seemed like it and may still seem like it in public, but I am truly, seriously, on edge.
For some reason, whenever I go to a place where I really don't want to cry, like school, I am on the verge of tears all day long. But when I am at home, and I know I can pretty much break down whenever I want, I cry less.
I like being around people that didnt really know me before.
I dont like being around people that were around me before Maddox, because I feel like all they are thinking about is how different or fake I am being or how horrible I feel because I was so excited for him.
I feel so stupid.
I think I honestly hate myself. I hate my body, I hate the things I didnt do with Maddox, I hate that I didnt know, I hate that the doctors couldnt do anything. I hate everything.
This hatred has been here, but more so because I baby sat my 2 month old neice, and I took some really awesome pictures of her. Then I got to thinking, why didnt I ever do this with Maddox?
I didnt have a good camera while he was at home with us, but still? It hurts me because there were so many different types of pictures I wanted of him, and now I am taking them of other babies and not him. I sort of feel guilty.
I am so unbalanced. One second I feel okay and fresh and ready to remember Maddox and not cry,
and the next, I am ready to jump off the roof.
I dont think I will ever really kill myself, just because of my siblings and Ron and everything, but some moments are so hard, that none of them matter, and I just want to be with my son instantly.
Before I had a reason to not do this, because I thought I would not see my son, I thought I would go to some other place for taking my own life, but I read up on a lot of places, and found that God is merciful on those who are in deep depressions and things to that effect, so I thought, maybe he will forgive me since I am in so much pain, so the other night is when I almost really did it.  But I quickly snapped out of it and was not left alone. It is so hard though, to know that I could possibly be with him, so quickly.
It's a daily challenge. It sounds so easy. Because he is all I want. He is everything to me, and now hes gone. I cant even bare it anymore. No one will ever understand how painful this is.
All the other grieving mothers I know, either have more children or already had more children, or try to pretend it didnt happen, or push it away, or kill themselves. Some grieve very well, but I think its because of their living children, or because they didnt get to bond with their child. I BONDED with Maddox! We had such a close relationship. We were so connected and intune with eachother. We were completely in love. I love him so much. I know miscarriage and stillborn hurts but this hurt is different, and I dont know anyone who has experienced losing their child this way, so sometimes it doesnt help to talk to other GMs.
I dont know how I will ever move on from this, I know I wont ever move on, but how can I accept this? How can I accept that my son is not with me? That hurts so badly. Theres nothing more I will ever want.
Another child can not fill my heart, the thought of having another child SICKENS me! I was MADDOX"S mother ONLY! I was meant to be my baby boys mother, no baby will ever come between that.
I dont even know I am so completely saddened and empty.
He is seriously the only thing I think about. No seriously, every second out of the day he is on my mind.

GOALS FOR THE WEEK
  • Do at least 1 lesson a day of APEX online school
  • Lessen suicidal thoughts
  • Scrap book more and remember the good things about Maddox more and remember that he is in a better place and that he is saved from this nasty world.
  • Start applying for jobs

                   My little guy in his cousins bouncy seat! He knew it was for a girl! What the heck guys!





2 comments:

  1. Oh Brooke, there are no words... I'm not going to tell you silly lies like "time will heal" or whatever I'm supposed to say right now. You are justified in feeling every emotion coursing through your veins right now. Time will never heal you completely, but time will lessen those emotions and their frequency. It's good that you are turning your emotions into positive outlets like school and scrap-booking. You are stronger than you think. Much love.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I came to your blog from Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. I am so sorry. Maddox is a beautiful boy and I'm so sorry he isn't in your arms. I know nothing I say will take away your pain. I too have often felt my only choice was suicide. It takes a lot of work to stay sane after our babies die. Right now, the shock and numbness you likely felt in the first days and weeks after Maddox died have been replaced with depression and anger. I remember saying the only thing that could 'make this all better' is my daughter never died. I couldn't imagine any other option and I still struggle, two years later. I'm not here to tell you 'to keep your chin up' because I know that isn't helpful. I am here to tell you I care. I cannot feel your every emotion because each situation has it's own circumstances. But please know that I've been in those desperate moments where the only way out seemed to be my death. I imagine you want this pain to end and death seems your only option. It isn't. Hang onto moments of hope and know that those moments will increase in frequency and duration as you move farther into grieving. Grief is a cycle. One day you'll feel you can handle life, and the next day or even minute you'll feel you cannot survive. Try to hang onto the mantra, 'this too shall pass' when you're in deepest despair. Somedays it's all that gets me through the day.

    ReplyDelete