Thursday, February 10, 2011

Confusion and Venting

I don't really know where I am at this point. It is so confusing.
I have said it before, sometimes I feel okay and accepting and sometimes I really don't know what I am going to do.

I decorated Maddox's grave today for Valentines Day. I also put a few things on my cousin Nick's grave.
This week went by fast but it seems like this month has been a life time.
The days seem to drag on and on, as I have said before.
I think my life and blog will always be like this.
Missing my son, wanting to die, having a good day, barely going on. So I understand if I lose followers.
My life will never be the same or happy. Not that I want it to be the same, well I do. I want my son here. But I dont want to try to go back to normal or anything. I want to remember my son. Always.
Seeing other Angel babies kind of helps me. It makes me sad that they had to go but it makes me happy to know who my baby boy is playing with. It seems like the cutest kids go to Heaven. Makes sense!

I have been having a lot of trouble at home lately. With my family and all. I have huge resentments towards both of my parents just because of things that took place during my child hood. So sometimes it seems like I switch back and forth between parents. When one pisses me off I go to the other one. Which is kind of the case but its different. I try to put the resentment for one parent aside, so we can get along, then when they piss me off, all the resentment comes back, and I throw it in their face and go to my other parent. So today I got called selfish and fake because of that. That I take sides and only get mad when I want something. Well that is not true. When one of them does something, its like everything they ever did to me, reoccurs in my head, and I hate them all over again. So I vent to my other parent. Both of my parents aren't very great, but I feel like my dad is sort of getting better, thanks to his new girlfriend. I like her and I think she definitely put him in place for good. I dont see them breaking up any time soon and she is the type of woman he needed in her life.
As for my mom, she is just ungrateful and miserable. Sometimes are good but she has severe undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. One minute shes cool, the next she is lashing out. It bothers me because I have 4 younger siblings that dont need to see that.

I grew up seeing my parents lashing out, and now I tend to have similar ways in my own personal relationships. They think it doesn't bother us but it does. My child hood was damaged by these things. My entire life was damaged by these things. I dont want this for my siblings. I dont understand whats so horrible about that? Another thing I get angered by, is getting bitched at for my sleeping. I have not even slept in that late lately! I have been doing good! and when I am not sleeping, I am taking care of my siblings, cleaning, or on the computer connecting with other grieving mothers or blogging or working on my memorial projects for Maddox. It seems like everyone in this house is always saying, "All you do is sit on the computer and sleep!"
A. I deep clean the entire house in the middle of the night when every one is sleeping, how else do you wake up to a clean house every morning?

B. The computer is my way of coping and interacting with people who have experiences similar things. It is also my way of remembering my son! I am always going through his pictures and videos. This is what helps me! I am so sick of that. They think all I do is sit on facebook and talk to random people, well NO. That is not that case. I am sharing my story and listening to others on here. and it HELPS.

C. My sleeping is so hard. Some times I truly can not move. I am not exaggerating either. It feels like someone beat me up and paralyzed me. Like I have nothing to look forward to, no baby crying needing fed, no baby needing love, no Maddox. Not anywhere. Maddox, is a pillow wrapped in a hospital blanket and a Teddy bear that I fall asleep with in my arms and wake up to find on the other side of the bed.

Another thing I am sick of, is people being so disrespectful in this house. My siblings are seriously horrible. They say some of the most horrible things. They are obnoxious, undisciplined, disrespectful brats. They get away with everything because my mom is too lazy to deal with them. I try to discipline them but nothing works. I dont want to get violent and sometimes I get urges to but I know that will not solve anything either. We are in desperate need of nanny 911 but no one in this house is capable of following through with rules. Even my mother. Our family has always been unorganized, breaking rules, breaking chore lists, being late, missing appointments, and just totally incapable of a schedule. I hate this. I want to run my own house hold so badly. I basically do but when it comes to making rules, "I am not the boss." Thats why I wanted to parent Maddox so badly. I know I would have been good at it. We would have had order, rules, discipline, rewards, gratification and respect. We would have been a close family and Maddox would have been raised well. I wanted to do everything my parents did wrong, right with my son. My parents still to this day, do wrong. I hate to say there is a right and wrong way to parent but there is. There are many different "right ways" to parent, but there are very obvious wrongs.

Another thing that bothers me in this house, is the lack of health care. It seems like everyone is only interested in eating junk food. My 2 year old sister is obsessed with chocolate and sweets. Everyone else is always eating something high in sodium, fast foods and drinking pop. Today I went grocery shopping for my mom and avoided all fatty foods. I got the healthiest things that my family would still eat as much as possible.  I think their problem is just not wanting to prepare the food. Thats another thing I looked forward to, was decided what Maddox ate, introducing him to healthy foods and preparing him healthy meals and just practicing healthy ways with him. I would have loved cooking for him. I generally hate cooking but if I lived on my own, with Maddox and maybe Ron, I would love cooking. I guess I just dont like cooking for ungrateful brats and MANY of them! I just wish my family could care more about being healthy. Just because you arent over weight, doesn't mean you are healthy!

Yes, I have more to rant about! Something else that bothers me is that my siblings do not have to do anything. They have ZERO responsibilities. I have siblings that are 12, 10, 8 and 2. My 12 year old sister Kayla helps sometimes, but my 10 year old brother and 8 year old sister are complete brats and don't do anything. They whine when they don't get their way, they use nasty words, and always have to have something. We have tried making out chore lists but they always get out of them. My mom always says, "Okay this time I am following through, no one is getting out of their chore and we are sticking to it!" Well that never happens. She's always too busy or too lazy to put her foot down. So when I try to do it, I am in the wrong because no one wants to hear it and I am not the mom and so my siblings get away with it all again and get to be brats and trash the house without consequences. Family is about loving and helping each other! Our family doesn't know what that even means.
Everyone in this house is selfish and helping someone out just because is unheard of with my siblings. I know they are young but they are old enough to know whats right and wrong and how to get their way when they want it. I would have taught Maddox that we help and share with our family because we love and care about each other. I have actually gotten pretty far with Peyton, the 2 year old. I took care of her most of the time during my pregnancy and now, and she cleans up after herself, she helps out just because, she is caring and tries to cheer you up when you are upset and she is just all around sweet. However, she has learned some pretty bad things from my siblings. They thought it would be funny to teach her to call people "retards" and say, "god damn it" I came home from the hospital and was so mad. I put her in time out now when she does say these things so she doesn't say them much anymore. But she also can be very bratty too. This I feel she learned from my siblings yelling and wrestling eachother. She sometimes hits when she doesn't get her way and screams and says "shut up!" I feel bad because I yell sometime when I get angry but I am working on it and try not to in front of her. But time out seems to be working for her so I am pleased with her progress. It's not her fault but the least I can do is show her that these things are wrong.

Anyway, I guess I am done with my vent about what goes on in my house and family, it is very late so I should probably get to bed. Tomorrow I am going over to a friends house. Her child has been in and out of the hospital with a supposed "heart murmur" Sound familiar? So I am going to explain to her that these doctors are neglecting her baby, as her daughter has been experiences fluid overload and breathing issues and stuff. I am positive it is more than a heart murmur. Maddox's "heart murmur" turned out to be severe stenosis causing fatal obstruction and irreversible damage, so maybe I can help her ask the right questions before its too late.

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