Friday, February 25, 2011

My New Hobby

Lately I have been editing pictures for hours at a time.
Pictures of Maddox, pictures of me, and especially pictures of other Angels!
I love it!
A few women so far have given me pictures of their children to touch up and make more beautiful,
since some of the babes were discolored, one was in a bad car accident,
and some were great pictures that just needed a little enhancement.
I really love doing it and it makes me feel good about myself!
I get so creative with this thing!
As of now I am using Picnik. Its simple and online.
I want to look into a more sophisticated and complex editing software.
I love it!

Lately I have been so, I don't even know lol CRAZY!

Very bi-polar, for lack of a better word.

I miss my baby boy so badly. Its so hard to believe that he was once here, and I was actually snuggling him at one point in time. I want to rewind my life so badly. Just to the day I got induced, with all the same knowledge I have now. I just want more time with my sweet guy!

Lately it seems like I have been pushing everyone away.  Mostly other moms and people my age.
I just wish all the awesome support and grieving mother besties I have online, lived in my town!
I have no one to hangout with that I can hardly stand and that understands me.
I don't get irritated with people that know what I am going through.
They help me feel not alone. Everyone else complains about the stupidest of things it seems, and I just get too irritated and drained. I honestly can't help it. I wish people would just shut up and realize that they have all that they need.

I am missing the key to survival!

When you take a fish out of water, what does it do?
It goes crazy and flops all around in a struggle to find water to survive!
After a while of no water, the fish is barely alive.
This fish can survive quite some time without water, but is the fish really living?
Is the fish swimmingly freely out in the ocean?
No, but only barely breathing and struggling minute by minute to stay alive...
and when you poke the struggling fish, it may jolt  from your touch, but resume its lethargic struggle until its fate, where as then, the fish is free and living again, without its pain from the absence of water...

So maybe that,(which just flowed freely off my fingertips)
can help you understand more...
When I am around someone it messes up my imbalance even more, causing more irritation or draining me from having to be so fake for the period they're in my presence.
I am barely surviving, sometimes not even knowing how I am going to make it the next hour,
so I wish who ever reads this would seriously appreciate every little detail of their life and the lives surrounding them, because the world can't function with the sun, and some of us are missing our Sunshines, the light we wake up to in the morning :(

I am positive nothing can heal or even help at all, this type of wound.
No councilor, no medicine, nothing...

There is one thing that will put us out of our misery, something so uncertain, yet so desired.
The only way to put the fish out of its agony, is to either put it back in the water, or to end its life now...

I will not end my life, so I am basically doomed to this misery until God thinks I have had enough,
in which I have, but I guess he is not done with me.

I went to see bubbaz grave today. They took off the spray of flowers from his service that marked his grave for a while. That sort of irritated me but they were dead and all gross from the snow melting so I understood.
I thought of this awesome idea for a head stone! I really can't wait. In fact, I am going to draw it up right now since I just remembered!

Here are some of the pictures I have played with the past few days.

My baby boy's soul leaving us...
 Getting our sweat test in Rockford, no Cystic Fibrosis!
 Snuggling on the Pediatric floor at KSB when Max had a UTI...
 At home being silly!
 After our bath time :)
 Being silly, playing on the blankey Aunt Pam got us!
 One of bubbaz very first smiles!
 Momma and Max in Rockford!
 The morning after bubbaz arrived!

1 comment:

  1. Hi Brooke...I just read your story on Faces of Loss and left a comment, but I also wanted to leave a comment here in case you don't see the other one. I read what you wrote about wanting to talk with other moms and I live in the Freeport area. I know its not super close, but if you ever wanted to meet half way...I also go to a support group in Freeport called Sharing Angels. Its been really helpful for me. My daughter Harper was stillborn the day after her due date on Aug 10, 2010.

    If you ever want to talk you can email me at

    My blog is

    Maddox is such a beautiful baby! I am so sorry for what you have been through.