Monday, February 14, 2011

Happy Valentine's Day!

Today is ALSO,

Maddox's 5 Month Birthday! 

Maddox's 1 month Angel Anniversary!

My first day of School!

 and my dentist appointment lol. I got my 2nd and LAST cavity filled today. Talked like a DORK for 2 hours lol. 

      While most people are cuddling, snuggling, laughing, and playing with the love of their life, I visited mine at the cemetery today. We decorated his grave site a little bit more. We released a few balloons for him and also for another Angel Babe named Niah Hope.  

 School went well. I had to stop myself from tearing up a few times but I only actually almost cried once. 
It just hurts to know the last time I was in that building, I was happy, anxious and always dreaming about the day I become a mother to my highly anticipated baby boy! Then the day I re-enter that building, I am childless. I have nothing. Everything I couldn't wait to show off, every reason I had to work my butt off at school, is gone. I almost feel ashamed and embarrassed. Not because of Maddox, but because I was so happy and excited, when I was about to face my worst nightmare, not even knowing it.

I am ashamed and embarrassed about a lot of things. I am ashamed of my body that failed my son's heart. These stretch marks, my fat, my breasts, all are just a cruel reminder of how my body could not provide my son with a working heart, liver, and kidneys.

I am so grateful though. I am so grateful that I got 4 months with him and 5 weeks at home with him. I miss him so badly. I feel like I am slowly forgetting what it was like to have him here. I miss him. I cant imagine loving another child this much. I simply can not. No child will ever be the same. He is so special and unique. I am having a hard time not digging up his grave. The soil is so fresh, rich and loose it looks like I could just reach in their and grab him. I have done a lot of research on it, and if I came up with the money, I could have him moved to a regular grave lot, a big one, and I could have them open his casket so I could maybe see him one last time. I seriously think about this a lot and have considered it. His body would have been well preserved from the cold, I wouldn't care if it wasn't preserved. I just want to hold him! It seriously is the most painful, excruciating, PAINful feeling, it is sometimes unbearable. Sometimes I will be thinking and just think to myself, "He's gone? Wait, is he really gone? He is!" and it hits me all over again. Sometimes I don't even know how I am handling it. Am I even handling it? When I think about how he is not here, it hits again, and I just don't know what to do. I feel like my life is going on forever. My entire face hurts and I don't know how I am surviving, honestly. Right now I am breaking down. Right now I feel like I want to die, and that I can't handle it. I will be okay in a little while I know. Sometimes the pain becomes more real and hits so hard all over again. I cant resist him, but I am forced to. This is the worst possible feeling ever. I can't even handle this right now. My night is ruined I have to go. I will continue this blog later. I want to hold my baby boys pillow and just wish for him here. Sometimes thats all I do, is pray and wish for him to just magically appear...


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