Sunday, February 6, 2011

An Apology

For the post before. I was in one of my extremely intense "moments." Every hour is different for me. Every minute even. One I am okay, then the next I am praying for my death. I am so confused. What state of grief am I in? Does it always go in order? I thought I was okay. I am okay. Right now I am okay. Not as okay as I have been, but I am okay. Not even an hour ago I was convinced I was dying and that everyone was out to get me and I hated everyone.  Theres something wrong with me and I know exactly what it is. Something is missing and I know exactly what it is, he is. My sweet precious boy. When you have something/someone so important taken from you, I guess this is what it does. I hope it stops or at least calms down. I have never felt more helpless, hopeless in my life. Ive never wanted to die more. Ive never been so fond of my own death. Ive never been so fake in my life. Ive never resented anyone this much. Ive never been so confused. These are a few things that I have found that in ones best attempt, "explain" exactly how this pain is, for those who are trying to understand. You will never understand...

Children are not supposed to die...Parents expect to see their children grow and mature. Ultimately, parents expect to die and leave their children behind...This is the natural course of life events, the life cycle continuing as it should. The loss of a child is the loss of innocence, the death of the most vulnerable and dependent. The death of a child signifies the loss of the future, of hopes and dreams, of new strength, and of perfection. - Arnold and Gemma 1994, iv, 9, 39

When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future. - Anonymous

This space is with me all the time it seems. Sometimes the empty space is so real I can almost touch it. I can almost see it. It gets so big sometimes that I can't see anything else. - Arnold and Gemma 1983, 56

A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his parents is called an orphan. But...there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that's how awful the loss is! - Neugeboren 1976, 154

 I am so lost right now. Sometimes I just wish people would leave me alone and let me just grieve! and sometimes I am glad people are reaching out to try and help me. Nothing ever really helps me. Something may brighten up my day for a second, but at the end of the day, when I am alone in my bed, nothing helps. If I want actual "help", I get it. I have taken all measures myself with the help of the people I reach out to FOR help. If I need help, I will get it and I will know it. Which is why I have already made arrangements. I have had someone tell me I need help and that this is not okay. and this was from someone who has never lost anyone! I think feeling like this is absolutely FINE and when its NOT I take care of myself. HOWEVER, sometimes I would just like to be left alone! Right now, the state I am in, I feel like breaking my phone, crawling in bed, and never coming out... ever... Which is why I am seeking help. But in the mean time, let me do what I want, which is NOTHING!

Ughh sorry, I know this was supposed to be an apology post and I am in need of another apology in my apology post lol URG. okay, I am okay again. I am so frustrated. I dont even know where to begin. I am frustrated with everything in my life. My future is the only thing that makes me feel good about myself, and I am no where near close to that. Right now, I want to be useless, sluggish, alone, dead, or just lazy. I dont want to do anything. But it changes all the time. For example, yesterday, my birthday, (which is perhaps why I felt like this) I was up ready and wanting to do everything! I wanted to be social, I wanted to be spontaneous and fun and dance and I did. Then I have days like today where I crash and am lower than low. Maybe its all fake. I dont know when I am truly happy. Its like I have taught myself so well that when I need to pretend to be happy, I am happy? Sometimes I catch myself though, in public. I start staring off into space and day dreaming of Maddox and then I look up and realize what I was doing and smile. I dont want other people to see me sad. Actually, I just remembered I had to do this on part of my birthday. A few times actually. Its embarrassing because I feel like people know. Thats why I like to be alone. I can feel however I want and not care whos paying attention. I can cry, I can scream, I can talk to Max, I can punch things, get mad, cuss, do whatever I need to do, without someone nagging or thinking telepathically out loud. When I am awake, and around other people, I try to go into my fun zone, where I sort of let myself go, often finding myself dancing, goofing around, acting stupid, and then when Max comes into my mind, I block him out and continue on my goofy, obnoxious rant, and then I get called annoying and stupid by my siblings and Ron and then when I am being my real, bum, lazy, grieving self, I get called lazy and useless. So thats where I am confused. I can never just have a happy medium. I am either obnoxious or almost dead. Or wishing I was I guess...

Ugh again back to my apology, for those who have kids and are my friend, I dont hate you or your baby, as I may have made it seem like that in my last post. I just have my moments where your children hurt me so bad. Its never IN the moment I am with your child. It is usually after everyones gone and I have time to myself to think. Ha, sounds like I am basically just a danger to myself I know. I just have so many unorganized thoughts and feelings and so everything is exaggerated in my head at the moment and nothing comes out right. Someone once said, "So how are you doing? You seem pretty okay?" It was irritating and I guess thats what I have made myself think I need to be sometimes. Is okay, which is why everything is so confused an unorganized in my head because I dont know whats normal for me or how I am really feeling and life is just a blur. Which is why I always come back to my bed... Where I feel connected to my son most, where I have time for him and I only. No one else. Just my one and only baby boy and me <3 

1 comment:

  1. Don't ever apologize for anything written here. You started this blog as an outlet for all your pent up emotions. You have earned the right with all you have been through with maddox to say all the ugly thoughts. You are his mother and have earned that. Some people might not like what you have to say or might not want to have to acknowledge how much pain you have right now. Sometimes it will remind them of their losses and their pain. If you start to sensor yourself here, where will be your outlet for all those ugly extreme emotions. If you don't release them somehow, they will seep out it in ways that aren't so controlled like towards loved ones. Remember if they do not want to read how you really feel, they do not have to click to come here.